The Knife Inside of Me*

So much in my head, having trouble on how to piece them all together into words & phrases... I hate this part! Well, I had a wonderful weekend with Alec spent in Sedona, AZ. We hiked a bit here and there, as expected. I was debating whether I should take my old pair of walking/hiking boots or not... they were out of shape and a bit torn up, and the heels have been 'nailed' back together after our trip to Hong Kong over 2 years ago. I think I must've had these boots for almost 5 years now...

At one time, I was wearing them almost everyday, okay, EVERYDAY, for like - A YEAR!!! Scary isn't it? They were comfortable, rugged, decent style [to me anyway] and very inexpensive for laced up boots. I just grew very attached to them. I have like 6 other pairs of shoes at home, but y'know how it goes... At times you get so comfortable in somethings, there are no others, nothing can come even close! So after a long debate with myself, somewhere in the back of my mind, I decided to finally part with my boots - in Phoenix.

Before I packed for Phoenix/Sedona, I brought a stuffed back pack with another pair of shoes. So I was thinking, when I'm done for the weekend hiking, I would ditch my old boots somewhere in Arizona so I could wear my other pair and won't have to carry the extra load back. Clever me! [Am I even making sense here? A lot of times my writing puzzles me!]

I felt like a creep... After all these years using and abusing my poor boots, especially after this weekend walking and climbing and hiking and then tossing 'em away like used Kleenex... I know, it's just me feeling silly... But it's just a dead piece of cowhide for goodness sake, brown suede actually... what's WRONG with me!!!! But maybe it was the fact that I KNEW I was going to Phoenix, the city where I had my 'darkest moments' if you will... Anyway, the Circle K in the background is where I had my dinner for almost 4 months straight, in addition to Burger King, Taco Bell and the like! But this particular Circle K was my old hangout, bad memories... [Does walking 2 miles after midnight to get crack cocaine considered a good or bad memory?] You see, about a block away from this establishment there's this YMCA, where I used to live for a while back in 1993. A tiny room with a tiny window, and me with a single second-hand suitcase fulla nothing... Maybe me parting with my boots had something to do with my time in Phoenix... who the hell knows, but me!

Anyway, I don't really know exactly what my point of this story is... but I know that I really loved my boots! No one would want my sad ol' boots, and it's not like someone else can make use of them after I'd beaten them up so badly. No one would take a second look. No one would care. And so, after a brief goodbye and a quick snap to the digital camera, I tossed them out at the Circle K... :(

How can you let go of something that had given you so much in return? I know of letting go, but doesn't everybody has a little something they treasure that's been tucked away, something for keepsake? Like an old toy, a rusty watch, a cheap ring - no matter how silly and insignificant to others!! But I guess it was time... I've lost everything once [except for my family] and yet I ask myself: So why is it so hard to throw away a pair of old beat up boots? Life's fun-knee that way! hahaha!

*I believe that there are other elements I should contribute to this story that might make it more decipherable, but I can't, there are just too many pieces...

Posted by robert at April 28, 2003 10:59 PM