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A Different Kind of Being

I could talk about my day, I could talk about the world, I could talk about the war, but tonight, I think I'll talk about -- my boss!

To say the least, he's the nicest boss that anyone could ever have, and to me, he's a very good friend as well. A manager who listens with compassion, and a friend who'll stand by your side! He's a terrific guy, anyone who he comes in contact with can attest to such... He's been giving his heart and soul to his team since day one, to a point that we probably started taking him for granted without realizing, but such things I try not to dismiss... At times I do remind him that he's been doing such a great job and a wonderful boss at that, but whenever he hears that, he would come back with some quirky remarks, and just smiles...

As a friend, he's genuine, trustworthy, and always, always honest... He's a guy who will do anything for anyone, and sometimes I think it can be a hazardous thing for him, but if that's what he chooses, he must have his own good reasons... Maybe I just grew somewhat cynical throughout the years, maybe...

I just want to say thank you Stuart, aka Gurustu, for being the person that you are all these years that I've come to know... A person with utmost integrity, respect and a true heart of gold... I know that no one actually reads my journal except for a few, but I'm sure my words for you will resonate somewhere, somehow...

My life won't be the same without you Stu! [smiles]

Geek The Girl

Hi, this is the story of geek the girl, a girl who is confused about how to be sexual and cool in the world but finds out she isn't cool and gets constantly taken advantage of sexually, gets kind of sick and enjoys giving up but at the end still tries to believe in something beautiful and dreams of still loving a man in hopes that he can save her from her shit life.......... ha ha ha what a geek!

Music: Lisa Germano - Cancer Of Everything

Adam Connelly

I'm excited that my 2 prints came in the mail this week... They only measure 5"x7", but they're printed on 12"x15" giclée print /paper and are signed by the artist himself... kool! I'll be off to Aaron Brothers this afternoon to get them framed... hmm... exciting isn't it? Not really, but I think they'll look very nice after they're done. Can't wait...

Every Minute Counts

I'm at work and it's 4:15pm, waiting for the computer clock on my screen to go from one minute to the next... Am I truly bored or just living the moment minute by minute? I think it's both, also I think I need oxygen in my brain...

Work's there, family's healthy, love's good, life's quiet, and I'm happy... and I think if I were any happier, I would truly go insane... Maybe I should write a song, take a class on floral arrangements, make a giant quilt, be pro-active and backstab my boss and take his job [wait, I don't want his job, I'm not that crazy!], or maybe kidnap a baby to claim my own... hmm... but I'm lazy, too lazy to do all that stuff...

Gonna send this home now and maybe I'll post this up tonight when I have some time... Well everyone, enjoy the weekend!

Paradise of Song

Ahangar was a mighty swordsmith who lived in one of Afghanistan's remote eastern valleys. In time of peace he made steel ploughs, shoed horses and, above all, he sang.

The songs of Ahangar, who is known by different names in various parts of Central Asia, were eagerly listened to by the people of the valleys. They came from the forests of giant walnuts trees, from the snowcapped Hindu-Kush, from Qataghan and Badakhshan, from Khanabad and Kunar, from Herat and Paghman, to hear his songs.

Above all, the people came to hear the song of all songs, which was Ahangar's Song of the Valley of Paradise.

This song had a haunting quality, and a strange lilt, and most of all it had a story which was so strange that people felt they knew the remote Valley of Paradise of which the smith sang. Often they asked him to sing it when he was not in the mood to do so, and he would refuse. Sometimes people asked him whether the Valley was truly real, and Ahangar could only say:

"The Valley of the Song is as real as real can be."

"But how do you know?" the people would ask, "Have you ever been there?"

To Ahangar, and to nearly all the people who heard him, the Valley of the Song was, however, real, real as real can be.

Aisha, a local maiden whom he loved, doubted whether there was such a place. So, too, did Hasan, a braggart and fearsome swordsman who swore to marry Aisha, and who lost no opportunity of laughing at the smith.

One day, when the villagers were sitting around silently after Ahangar had been telling his tale to them, Hasan spoke:

"If you believe that this valley is so real, and that it is, as you say, in those mountains of Sangan yonder, where the blue haze rises, why do you not try to find it?"

"It would not be right, I know that," said Ahangar.

"You know what it is convenient to know, and do not know what you do not want to know!" shouted Hasan. "Now, my friend, I propose a test. You love Aisha, but she does not trust you. She has no faith in this absurd Valley of yours. You could never marry her, because when there is no confidence between man and wife, they are not happy and all manner of evils result."

"Do you expect me to go to the valley, then?" asked Ahangar.

"Yes," said Hasan and all the audience together.

"If I go and return safely, will Aisha consent to marry me?" asked Ahangar.

"Yes," murmured Aisha.

So Ahangar, collecting some dried mulberries and a scrap of bread, set off for the distant mountains.

He climbed and climbed, until he came to a wall which encircled the entire range. When he had ascended its sheer sides, there was another wall, even more precipitous then the first. After that there was a third, then a fourth, and finally a fifth wall.

Descending on the other side, Ahangar found that he was in a valley, strikingly similar to his own.

People came out to welcome him, and as he saw them, Ahangar realized that something very strange was happening.

Months later, Ahangar the Smith, walking like an old man, limped into his native village, and made for his humble hut.

As word of his return spread throughout the countryside, people gathered in front of his home to hear what his adventures had been.

Hasan the swordsman spoke for them all, and called Ahangar to his window.

There was a gasp as everyone saw how old he had become.

"Well, Master Ahangar, and did you reach the Valley of Paradise?"

"I did."

"And what was it like?"

Ahangar, fumbling for his words, looked at the assembled people with a weariness and hopelessness that he had never felt before. He said:

"I climbed and I climbed, and I climbed. When it seemed as though there could be no human habitation in such a desolate place, and after many trials and disappointments, I came upon a valley. This valley was exactly like the one in which we live. And then I saw the people. Those people are not only like us people: they are the same people. For every Hasan, every Aisha, every Ahangar, every anybody whom we have here, there is another one, exactly the same in that valley."

"These are likenesses and reflections to us, when we see such things. But it is we who are the likeness and reflection of them--we who are here, we are their twins..."

Everyone thought that Ahangar had gone mad through his privations, and Aisha married Hasan the swordsman. Ahangar rapidly grew old and died. And all the people, every one who had heard this story from the lips of Ahangar, first lost heart in their lives, then grew old and died, for they felt that something was going to happen over which they had no control and from which they had no hope, and so they lost interest in life itself.

It is only once in a thousand years that this secret is seen by man. When he sees it, he is changed. When he tells its bare facts to others, they wither and die out.

People think that such an event is a catastrophe, and so they must not know about it, for they cannot understand [such is the nature of their ordinary life] that they have more selves than one, more hopes than one, more chances than one--up there, in the Paradise of the Song of Ahangar, the mighty smith.

Text: Idries Shah - Wisdom of the Idiots

Music: Budd, Fraser, Guthrie & Raymonde - Sea, Swallow Me

MrHS Says Hello...

"War? What's That?"

Don't know who the boy is in the picture, I found him from a book on the internet, a book on children adoption/adopted from China... Just something cute to look at, something to keep my mind off the war, something to keep me smiling, for the moment...

The Faithful Wish

One day a simpleton threw a coin down a wishing well. He wished for another coin. Later, as he walked upon the road, he found a coin.

The next day the man again threw a coin into the well, wished for a coin, and found a coin upon the road. This continued for several days and always the man wished for a coin, found a coin, and used it to wish for another.

At the end of a week the man cast two coins into the wishing well.

'I won't be able to come here tomorrow,' he explained.

Text: Thomas Wiloch - Tales of Lord Shantih

A Child In All Of Us

I went to Barnes & Noble Burbank tonight to look for picture books on China, but they didn't have anything... So when I got home, I went to check out Amazon & B&N online to see what they have... I found this one book and I made a purchase right away [the boy from the back cover is cute too, with 'em silly glasses]! I got a used copy, so I saved a bit of money there!

While I kept searching on the net, some pictures from my fave movie Not One Less came up again... These are new pictures which I haven't seen before on the internet from an online review. I couldn't help it, remembering the scenes, I wept like a little boy...

The Last Note

I was looking for a particular postcard in one of my 'treasure' boxes tonight, and treasures I found, and plenty of them...

This is the last note that I received from Gary when we parted, 3 years of being 'together'! The picture was actually taken months after the note was written, that was the last time I saw him... Back then when the time, I sincerely wished him the best in life that life has to offer... and to this day, that still holds true in my heart...

Mao Fever

Something old that I dug up... Print design from Vivienne Tam's Spring 1995 Mao Collection, a collaboration between her and the artist Zhang Hongtu.

Vivienne made some killer dresses off this print alone, and oh sometimes I wish I were a gURL - a name like SwirlygURL or OomphgURL maybe?

Music: Chicks On Speed - The Floating Pyramid Over Frankfurt that the Taxi Driver Saw When He Was Landing

Black Spring

...and you are only beautiful! Get ready for Black Spring, again...

Music: Lush - Nothing Natural

Strange Days

Last year I composed [with different artists' materials] this multimedia holiday/Christmas CD to send out to my friends. From the advice from a select few after they previewed it, my original idea was pretty much tossed, the final product being something completely different. I was quite disappointed, not being able to portray what I originally intended, and the final presentation ended up being over-the-top-Christmasy. But all went well because at the very end, I DID manage to include my original idea/presentation on the disc, but the elements were all hidden, Easter Egg'd.

Anyway, the imageries from my original idea consist of various things like war, genocide, world hunger, death & dying, etc., interspersed with pictures of flowers... I don't know exactly why I made it, at the time, I just made it, and at the time, I really wanted to do it and finish it... and I did. I had a need to do it, whether it be for me or for someone else or for whatever reasons... That was three and a half months ago.

A war started today, and it's very close to home... There have been talks about the subject for months and months, and now that it's truly happening, it's still very difficult for me to imagine... yet imagine no more. I am scared, scared for the people who are at war, scared for their families that they may never see their loved ones again, scared for all the fathers and mothers and all the children who are all caught up in this turmoil... and I'm also scared for myself, scared of this feeling knowing that people are actually at war, people fighting, defending, killing, attacking one another, and I hate it... According to some people, maybe certain people do deserve to die, but the feeling is still there. We're all human under the same sun...

Now that it has started, may it be over soon. Please...

The Balance of One

When I was driving home from work tonight, I got all teary-eyed again. While listening to The Road Home & Not One Less soundtracks, I just started to think about stuff and got moody... I don't know the cause, it's not intentional, it just happens... There is magic in movies and music after all...

I'm 36, I think my so-called life has been doing pretty well so far... I have a wonderful family, the best boyfriend that any boy could have, and a marvelous job that a lot of people would envy. I am a very happy guy indeed, but at times, my 'inside' feels different... Who knows, maybe I'm a manic depressive, I'm not sure and yet I don't need pills to chase my blues away. I think most of my life I've been trying to find this 'balance', though I think one has to move about in order to keep the heart still...

Without sadness, there's no joy; without death, there's no life. I think I do somewhat create my own spectrum of melancholy and pensiveness at times, maybe I'm really just a happy-go-lucky guy? I've always considered myself as such. Yet, can one be 'happy' all the time? Can one be 'content' with nothing more? Is there true darkness or just the lack of light?

Popsicle Sticks Without The Popsicles

I finally found out from my doctor today that I have anemia... I was like, what the hell is that? My friend Gina said: "I thought anemia was common in women... y'know, they lose iron during their menstruation, etc...", well close enough... I lack tons of iron I bet cuz my doctor just prescribed to me some mega dozes of ferrous sulfate... mmm, yum! Oh and right before I left the pharmacy, the lady said to me: "You should take some multi-vitamins, too!" Good point, I think she said it cuz I looked sickly.

Well, gave more blood this afternoon, and have to go back to give 'em my stool samples [yikes, too much information! But if you happened to be a nurse or a doctor, I don't think this will bother you too much! heehee!], AND in a week or so I'll be getting a barium enema x-ray exam for my colon... the fun never ends. THEN they'll finally know what to do to me. Operate? Hmm... or maybe just put me on a strict diet that consist of only water and bread... maybe beans too, ugh!

Well at least now I don't have to worry about what I have or don't have, cuz now I know what I have. Yet still not exactly cuz there are different types of anemia, ugh! I weigh myself this past weekend and I found out I've lost over 10 lbs. over the course of this, maybe 3 weeks... All my life I've been trying to gain some decent weight, now losing like 12 lbs. is just... strange.

So this is what I picked up today when they took my blood:

Before this, I had no idea how a stool sample was taken from a patient, y'know when they ask for a urine same, they just make you pee on the spot! I've always wondered how does one submit a stool sample! Do they make you go right-then-and-there, or if you're NOT ready, come back when you're?? Or maybe you take this jar home and come back with a log in it the next day or something?!? I had no idea... well now I do!!! They give you these 'cards' and you're supposed to lift up the flap, smear your poopy-kaka [heehee!] on it with a skinny popsicle stick [conveniently included] and then close the tab when you're done... I guess it's self-sealing, well, it better be! When I was leaving, the nurse made sure with me that I store the specimen in room temperature, and NOT in the fridge... I was like, eeuwww, in the fridge, like right next to my Kung Pao chicken maybe? ugh! So the mystery is solved and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Nice to know.

Anemia... why can't I just have a cold!!!

Wei Minzhi

She's my all time favourite [unknown] 'movie' star, in my all time favourite movie - Not One Less! A film about a universal bond - humanity...

I Wonder If She Knew About It?

I knew it was, not this month but, LAST month, I guess it's never too late... Happy Birthday Yoko, Happy 70th. It's not like she's gonna read my blog or anything, but a wish goes out to her. "Health and joy and peace and love to you, Yoko!" [and everyone else too while I'm at it!] Is that too many wishes?

WALKING ON THIN ICE
Walking on thin ice
I'm paying the price
For throwing the dice in the air
Why must we learn it the hard way
And play the game of life with your heart

I gave you my knife
You gave me my life
Like a gush of wind in my hair
Why do we forget what's been said
And play the game of life with our hearts

I may cry some day
But the tears will dry whichever way
And when our hearts return to ashes
It'll be just a story
It'll be just a story

"I knew a girl
Who tried to walk across the lake
'Course it was winter and all this was ice
That's a hell of a thing to do, you know
They say this lake is as big as the ocean
I wonder if she knew about it?"

Pixelate Me

Something I came across tonight when I was surfing the net... Adam Connelly. The technique's been done before, the dimensions of his pieces are small and precious, I like it... and maybe it's because of his 'subdued' theme with the white background for his website. I made a purchase.

Everything Is Nothing

Music: Stereolab - Spinal Column

Fruits & Veggies Are My Friends

Well, I started this healthy food diet regime this past Saturday [actually it's more like a NORMAL diet rather!], I told myself, I'm gonna eat more healthy foods from now on... Meaning less meats, and more [more? when was the last time I had a piece of fruit?!?] fruits and veggies [ugh!]... The veggies part is gonna be a tough one cuz if I want to eat fresh veggies like cucumbers, broccoli or green beans and stuff, that means I'd have to WASH them, and CUT them and SLICE them! Fruits are easier, I bought some pears, nectarines, plums and apples tonight, I had a nectarine before and a pear after dinner, didn't wash either of them... It's a bad habit, I know! I'll change, just gimme time...

Yes, I'm lazy, very much... I remember one time when I was gonna heat up my TV dinner entree, I opened up the box and found not 1, but 2 packages in it - one's the pasta and the other the sauce, I just threw it back in the fridge. I think I just went to sleep after that. Ugh!

So I guess I'm sort of on a mission... I could take out my crock pot again, I used to love making this one soup with chicken and chicken stock and all sorts of vegetables... and now my cousin said to me to get the organic chicken instead from Trader Joe's... hmm... that would mean an ADDITIONAL trip... ugh! Maybe I'll just make the veggie soup with chicken stock...

I just need to stay away from all the evil fast food restaurants. Goodbye McD's, bye bye Burger King... I'll miss you Jack In The Box, siyonara Yoshinoya Beef Bowl... Guess it isn't a bad thing... I think I can do it... But someone also said that I have to incorporate exercises into my new lifestyle as well... uhh... hmm... well... let's see... NO!

Nothing Natural

You know when you're sick, you feel the world's a dream... The dynamics of things turn just a little warped! In my case like today at work [yeah, I still made it to work], when everyone was running out and about, I just felt like sitting stationary... It was nice and sunny out, I would feel the chills... People would talk to me, and all I was thinking about was when to take my next round of pills... stuff like that!

I'm not that sick, but sick enough for me cuz I don't usually get sick... I guess being sick isn't so bad when it's controlled... In the early stages, given the medication being strong enough, the things you think about would probably be a little different than what you would normally think about... Like I said, it's like you're in a dreamy state [or the pre-delusional state, whichever!]... it's kinda nice! Then when you're really sick, you'll end up with a heavier dosage and your thoughts tend to get more surreal and elaborate [ooh ahh!]... I was just thinking today, if I knew that my days were numbered, then my outlook on life would probably be somewhat different... I wouldn't say too much cuz I considered my life is pretty simple already...

What if you have today but not tomorrow? And what if you have the next 4 hours, but not tonight? Life's a twister.

I was having the chills for the past 3 hours, but I'm finally warming up now. My hands aren't freezing anymore, and they feel soooo good... I'm happy.

Music: Brian Eno - Thursday Afternoon

Who Do You Trust?

I had dinner with my good friend Gina tonight, and something fun-knee that she said: The only BUSH I trust is mine!

She's always so clever and smart and cute, and a joy to be around! Thanks again for dinner G!

Love

Death & Ailments

I haven't been feeling well lately, I have a few ailments and at such an [fairly] early age... mostly hereditary, but I should eat better, too, for the sake of my health... I'm going to see my doctor this Wednesday.

One thing I hate about life, yeah 'HATE', is seeing people suffer in pain, whether physical or mental... it's just awful, the worse thing that anyone can witness, and a hell lot worse if you can't do anything about it!

I remember this one time, I was in so much pain, caused by an undetected kidney stone, no pain killer would work, about 45 minutes of non-stop pain, until Alec finally got me to the emergency room... that 45 minutes was just nothing but excruciating pain, the pain was so great my body revolted by telling it to vomit - nothing but this yellowy bile juice, it was just nasty... Finally I had to be knocked out with Demerol intravenously... Yet during the 45 minutes, I did have some time to think, and it just goes back to the stuff I often think about... Why do people have to suffer in so much pain and agony? Why am I at times in so much pain while other people are having their late morning breakfast? And when I'm out having a grande coffee at Starbucks, someone might be on his/her way to the hospital...

It's strange... when you haven't experienced 'excruciating pain' before [again, whether it be physical or mental], you wouldn't know what I'm talking about [yet I understand everyone has their own personal interpretation of what 'real pain' is!] but for me, that was close enough! I know the passing of a kidney stone is actually a pretty common ailment, but it was still painful. But as far as pain goes, could you imagine if you had to live like that everyday?

But people do, I believe that some people do live with it everyday, controllable pain... physical or mental... Like a loss of a child or a parent, cancerous cells taking over one's body, seeing your loved one in the hospital, drugged in morphine… it's just bad even to think about! Yet we all go through it at some point in life… It's a sickening thought! It's morbid thinking, but at times I think about how my parents would die in the final end, hopefully somewhat peaceful, something quiet… who's to say, but life is never that understanding… It's like, if my mom decides to leave us in her eternal sleep, my dad might not be so 'lucky'... Thoughts like that creep in every now and then. The passing of a loved one is never easy, something we must go through [and not get over] in life, something we must endure, 'til the end... How would I die? Everything dies, yet life goes on with or without you, regardless! All things die, yet life itself will probably live a long, long time...

Life has its meaning all its own.

This, Too, Will Pass

A powerful king, ruler of many domains, was in a position of such magnificence that wise men were his mere employees. And yet one day he felt himself confused and called the sages to him.

He said:

"I do not know the cause, but something impels me to seek a certain ring, one that will enable me to stabilize my state."

"I must have such a ring. And this ring must be one which, when I am unhappy, will make me joyful. At the same time, if I am happy and look upon it, I must be made sad."

The wise men consulted one another, and threw themselves into deep contemplation, and finally they came to a decision as to the character of this ring which would suit their king.

The ring which they divised was one upon which was inscribed the legend:

THIS, TOO, WILL PASS

Text: Idries Shah - The Way of the Sufi