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All The Flowers In The Sky, Part II

'Abraham's Tree' growing over Mount Shasta, Northern California

Image: Jane English © 2001

Music: Cocteau Twins - The Thinner The Air [Massive Attack mix]

Homage to René Magritte

When Magritte died
     The stones fell to the ground
     The birds divorced their leaves
     The night and day agreed to differ
     The breasts became blind
     The cunt was struck dumb
     The tubas extinguished their flames
     The pipe remembered its role
     The words looked up what they meant in the dictionary
     The clouds turned abstract
     The ham closed its eye for ever
When Magritte died.

When Magritte died
     The toes hid modestly in their shoes
     The mountains no longer envied their eagles
     The apple shrunk to the size of an apple
     Or did the room grow to the size of a room?
     The bowler hat lost its ability to astonish
     The old healer
     Returned from a dip in the sea
     Put on his trousers
          his boots
          his cloak
          his hat
     Picked up his stick
          his sack
          his cage of doves [clanging its door to]
     And set off on his banal journey

When Magritte died.

Text: George Melly - Surrealist Poetry in English [excerpt]

Music: Caetano Veloso - Cucurrucucú Paloma [live]

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Music: Lush - All This Useless Beauty

The Knife Inside of Me*

So much in my head, having trouble on how to piece them all together into words & phrases... I hate this part! Well, I had a wonderful weekend with Alec spent in Sedona, AZ. We hiked a bit here and there, as expected. I was debating whether I should take my old pair of walking/hiking boots or not... they were out of shape and a bit torn up, and the heels have been 'nailed' back together after our trip to Hong Kong over 2 years ago. I think I must've had these boots for almost 5 years now...

At one time, I was wearing them almost everyday, okay, EVERYDAY, for like - A YEAR!!! Scary isn't it? They were comfortable, rugged, decent style [to me anyway] and very inexpensive for laced up boots. I just grew very attached to them. I have like 6 other pairs of shoes at home, but y'know how it goes... At times you get so comfortable in somethings, there are no others, nothing can come even close! So after a long debate with myself, somewhere in the back of my mind, I decided to finally part with my boots - in Phoenix.

Before I packed for Phoenix/Sedona, I brought a stuffed back pack with another pair of shoes. So I was thinking, when I'm done for the weekend hiking, I would ditch my old boots somewhere in Arizona so I could wear my other pair and won't have to carry the extra load back. Clever me! [Am I even making sense here? A lot of times my writing puzzles me!]

I felt like a creep... After all these years using and abusing my poor boots, especially after this weekend walking and climbing and hiking and then tossing 'em away like used Kleenex... I know, it's just me feeling silly... But it's just a dead piece of cowhide for goodness sake, brown suede actually... what's WRONG with me!!!! But maybe it was the fact that I KNEW I was going to Phoenix, the city where I had my 'darkest moments' if you will... Anyway, the Circle K in the background is where I had my dinner for almost 4 months straight, in addition to Burger King, Taco Bell and the like! But this particular Circle K was my old hangout, bad memories... [Does walking 2 miles after midnight to get crack cocaine considered a good or bad memory?] You see, about a block away from this establishment there's this YMCA, where I used to live for a while back in 1993. A tiny room with a tiny window, and me with a single second-hand suitcase fulla nothing... Maybe me parting with my boots had something to do with my time in Phoenix... who the hell knows, but me!

Anyway, I don't really know exactly what my point of this story is... but I know that I really loved my boots! No one would want my sad ol' boots, and it's not like someone else can make use of them after I'd beaten them up so badly. No one would take a second look. No one would care. And so, after a brief goodbye and a quick snap to the digital camera, I tossed them out at the Circle K... :(

How can you let go of something that had given you so much in return? I know of letting go, but doesn't everybody has a little something they treasure that's been tucked away, something for keepsake? Like an old toy, a rusty watch, a cheap ring - no matter how silly and insignificant to others!! But I guess it was time... I've lost everything once [except for my family] and yet I ask myself: So why is it so hard to throw away a pair of old beat up boots? Life's fun-knee that way! hahaha!

*I believe that there are other elements I should contribute to this story that might make it more decipherable, but I can't, there are just too many pieces...

Greetings from Sedona, AZ

...and all the stars are shining high and bright...

Music: Roxy Music - More Than This

Journey to The Center of Robert

Yeah, it was like a trip to inner space... Just came back from my barium enema x-ray procedure, and I thought I died and came back. I thought the Fleet 3 preparation was awful, this was bad, I mean waaaaaaay bad. I just got home right now and I'm still trembling, though not bad enough that I would lose my appetite... Before heading home I stopped by Burger King and got myself a Whopper combo, not an Ultimate Cheeseburger combo from JITB as I had planned.

So I got to the hospital and registered and everything. Called my name and as I walked in, a robe was given to me, blah blah blah, the usual.... [oh dear, my tummy just gurgled, probably from the left over barium solution] First they took a simple x-ray to see if my colon was clean, and it was... then out came the barium solution in this HUGE IV baggie... It was at least half a gallon, like 2 and a half bagful of the IV stuff, no joke... This giant bag filled with this milky white substance, attached on the other end was this long orange plastic tool-tip thingy, I was getting nervous. This bag-o-liquid was hung way up high, oh enter me slowly... The tech said "Oh don't be nervous, if you're nervous, then the tech gets nervous and that's not good!" Ugh...

He finally got down to the 'dirty business', that's what he called it. "Breath in, then breath out slowly... uh huh... breath in... and..." AAAHHHHHHHH! It was bad, I was shaking like crazy, and he was only half way in... that was probably like 3 inches the most, and then he pushed it in more, but this isn't even the bad part. Then the liquid came, I can feel a little pressure, just a bit... THEN he told me that he's going to 'inflate the balloon'... the balloon is attached to the orange-coloured applicator, midway sorta... and once the applicator is fully inserted, he pumps up the balloon to the size of, let's say, a good-sized plum to a medium sized apple, and that's big... as soon as that's inflated, that's when the pain gone awry... it was close to unbearable... in addition to that I felt this warm liquid filling my stomach, so unpleasant! The balloon, oh geez, the feeling was indescribable... you feel like you're all cramped up inside; overly constipated JUST IN THAT AREA; your bottom felt like it's been sewn up and you're about to combust any second.... I can bearly move cuz of the pain, and doctor wanted me to turn here and there... At least the doctor and the x-ray tech was very quick cuz they knew the patient was in an agonizing state... This went on for like 20 minutes... I wanted to cry, but couldn't... I wanted to throw up, couldn't do that either... I could take it, I'm a man [that's what they call it!]... I caught myself singing in a very low voice whenever I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, but then I could only muffle a few words...

I feel alright now, I guess some people don't get it as bad as me. Now I'll just have to see what's gonna come out of those x-rays, and hopefully nothing! Now to deal with my palpitating heart...

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Music: Simon Jeffes, Cheng Yu and Zhou Yu - Chinese Canon

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Music: Cocteau Twins - Lazy Calm

My Easter Sunday with Leigh & Joshua

Was my book-browsing day today... Looked through a lot of books and then came across these 2 photographers: Charlie White & Fergus Greer. I wasn't so much interested in their photographs really, but more so on their subject matter...

Source: Charlie White - Photographs

Source: Fergus Greer - Leigh Bowery Looks

I don't know if one would consider these the 'good' or the 'not-so-good' design / photo books... The photography was definitely well excuted, and as far as the context goes - the protagonists: Leigh & Joshua - it's a wild spin! The 2 books did keep me interested for about 15 minutes altogether on this quiet Easter Sunday.

Thinking Is Not Necessary v2.0

More hardcore and insane, surreal and yet beautiful as ever... the works of Christian Fennesz, Jim O'Rourke & Peter Rehberg. Again, with artwork & regurgitation process by the infamous Chicks...

THE FLOATING PYRAMID OVER FRANKFURT THAT THE TAXI DRIVER SAW WHEN HE WAS LANDING
My hair monster her name is Fenn O'Berg
In her sperm-stained jeans
She knows that diamonds aren't a girl's best friend
But this is much better than what money can buy...
Choice!

Image: The Return of Fenn O'Berg; artwork by Chicks On Speed

Painting of a Boy Wonder

Found this picture from the web the other day. From the description, this young boy's supposed to play a 'comical' character as a profession, yet to me, he looked so dismal... I wonder what he was thinking at the moment? His wondering thoughts... Maybe he's the real Mrhappysad...

Source: Chinese Opera - Jessica Tan-Gudnason, Gong Li

The Perfect / Imperfect World

Inconsiderate Bitch / Emotional Wench

What a treat, finally seeing Lisa herself in person. I missed my chance the last time a few years back when she fronted the Eels, something came up and the show was cancelled. Anyhow, she played at Amoeba tonight I was the first person to get her autograph. I saw her coming out from the back half hour prior to the show... I told her 'getting an autograph is so high school', she told me that it wasn't and that it was a very sweet gesture! I only smiled back...

She's so wonderful & kind, much like her music... Gonna see her again this Friday at Largo. Can't wait...

KCRW: Lisa Germano live on Morning Becomes Eclectic

NOBODY'S PLAYING
These are your secrets
Hidden inside
Wherever you go
Wherever you hide
Nobody's playing
Nobody knows

Circles and circles
Places to drown
All that you feel
Is you're going down
Everyone's wondering
Where you are

Circles and circles
Holding you down
All that you see
Is you're not around
Somebody knows
How this feels

Nobody's playing
No one comes near
No one can tell you
What you won't hear

I'm The Makeup On Your Eyes

It's been days since I last put up an entry... Feeling tired and lethargic lately, like swimming in oil... My lingering cough has finally gone away by itself after more than a month... It's like magic, but not really.

Tonight nothing comes to mind, well, no decipherable words and phrases anyway... me with a fixed gaze at the screen most of the night, listening to music as usual...

...tomorrow's another lovely night!

Music: The Breeders - Off You

Into The White

The long sleep...

floating...

star clusters passing by...

weightlessness...

learning the world...

warm rays from the morning sun...

slow drift...

freeing the hurt...

seeing night angels...

feeling the air...

breathing underwater...

senselessness...

the dreaming life...

aurora borealis...

pure...

giving the love...

close your eyes and sleep!

All The Flowers In The Sky, Part I

Lenticular cloud over Mount Shasta, reflected in Siskiyou Lake, Northern California

Image: Jane English © 2001

Thinking Is Not Necessary v1.0

Documenting the live collaboration of Christian Fennesz, Jim O'Rourke & Peter Rehberg. Nice experimental stuff...

Image: The Magic Sound of Fenn O'Berg; artwork by Chicks On Speed

Saints & Sinners

Y'know, I was thinking of putting up writings about medieval methods on castration, or The 9 Satanic Statements by the late Anton Szandor LaVey, or maybe upload a picture of Juan Battista de los Santos, circa 1869, a gentleman who had: "...two penises of imposing caliber, each free and independent"... that he uses "the slightly larger one for sexual intercourse," at the time, described by his doctor. Oh and Juan also had an anatomically correct 'third leg' that protruded from his back, with 10 webbed toes! Kool!

But I think I'll save those tidbits for a rainy day instead...

Image: St. Anthony's School 1963-1973

The Animal In Me

I'm so lazy when it comes to any physical activities... and NOW, I have the best excuse in the world... k, maybe not the best, but valid enough for the time being!

Tonight I was just thinking: If I get to choose to be an animal/mammal, which one of these 3 would I be? [A] a manatee, [B] a sloth, or [C] a kaola? I think they're all cute, but I didn't pick these 3 finalists cuz they're cute, but because they're all veeerrrrry slooooooooooooow moving, just like me... but I know they do a hell lot more than I do when it comes to exerting energy and getting their 'exercises' for the day! Anyway, that was my thot before heading to bed tonight... Gosh I love to sleep!!! Nite!

The Line Between The Space

Just for a moment, if you feel like you have everything you truly needed in the world, right now, right this minute -- what comes next? What else is there to explore? Maybe it's a high? So what does come next? Well, one can say - the next minute, or until your 'high' comes down...

Hmm... to me, y'know when the ebbing of the tides that comes in on the beach, the very 'edge' of the ocean water that appears on the sand, the transition right before it refluxes back to the sea, the moment that seemingly appears to... stop... for a second... Yeah, something like that...

Vendor on Sidewalk

Image: Michael Karhausen - Children In China

Jean Cocteau Lives

Music: Lisa Germano - Reptile

The Zen Life of the Giant Mosquito

Well, I wasn't attacked by it, but I did imagine that I was and it was pretty scary. Early in the evening while I was washing my hands in the bathroom, in the reflection from the mirror, I saw this gargantuan-sized mosquito on the back wall! I closed the door as I left the bathroom. Later I called Alec [I didn't call him just for that, cuz THAT would be really nerdy!] and mentioned it, I asked him if I should kill it, he said 'No!' Whenever I see a bug in the house, eg. crickets or spiders, I usually just put a glass over it, cup it and toss it out the front door! I don't usually kill insects unless they become a pest...

Then 2 hours past and I was just sitting in front of the computer, thinking of all these things to blog, all the possibilities... Put in a disc to check out some old images that I have, crappette!!, System Crash [Is this an official Mac term?]... While rebooting my slow-poke computer, I revisited the bathroom, the giant bug was still there!! [Not that it could pass thru walls and fly out of my appartment, but still, it could've hid under the rug or down the drain somewhere!!!] So I went to pee and started thinking: If I let it be, what if it attacks me in the morning while I'm half awake? You know these bugs can be very clumpsy and might just fly into your face when you least expect it... I would scream bloody mary! Y'know these giant mosquitos, they fly like they're jelly fish from underwater, they're not fast, with their long-ass legs and wings, they sorta just 'dangle' when they fly... SWAT!

So I opened the cabinet door underneath the sink to check for weaponry... I can Clorox it to death with my Disinfecting Spray, or use my other Clorox product, Clean Up, but I don't like that trigger, hard to aim... choices choices... finally I found Raid! Oh that poor little, I mean GIANT mosquito... I had a wad of toilet paper in one hand, thinking that I can catch it on the ground or something, and squish it to a quick death! I contemplated for a second then I sprayed it [with my other hand, of course] a bit, thought that was enough to kill it... the darn thing flew and flew and 'dangled' up and down and dangled some more... finally fell into the sink! I turned the water on, first cold... but the sink stopper didn't have enough space for the giant mosquito to fall in, I saw that it was still twitching...ugh! I didn't want to lift the stopper up either cuz the mosquito might just TOUCH me with its loooong dangly legs! Then I turned on the hot water, right now I'm thinking: Oh no, what have I done!!!, and now it's too late... It took about 20 seconds for the water to get real hot, I mean HOT-ASS hot, and all the while it was still twitching and refusing to go down... swirl and swirl, it just kept swirling to a dizzy, skin-boilin', chemical-infected death... [Sigh!] So much for a 'quick death'!

I felt bad and I felt like I've done something wrong! Why do we do the things we do? Little things can be troubling sometimes... But this little critter was still a life. Strange guilt! I didn't want it to suffer... I feel really terrible now as I'm writing, and maybe tomorrow morning, I'll miss the darn thing a little... Alright, for sure tomorrow I'll think of it for I took its little [short] life from it. I guess the death of this mosquito had provoked some things in me... For one, now I'll have to look within myself why exactly I had the NEED to kill the little sucker! Ooh ahh! Life's strange, and gets even stranger when you heart plays tricks on you...

A Page Called Dreams

"Punishment of Sodomy," detail of Michelangelo's Last Judgement from the Sistine Chapel, 1536-1541.

I have this particular picture on my old Ayris website, which I made roughly about 7 years ago... A page which I named it Dreams, where I talked about Love is this & Love is that... and in the end: Love is a place where you want to go, and don't come back!

Love?

Love.