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Project Kuanyin

Shit, it's almost 11pm, and by the time I'm off to bed, it'll be way past midnight... Least it'll be cooler... The temperature went up to triple-digits today, oy... My landlord still hasn't fixed the air cond... He's a cheap bastard according to the live-in manager here... My landlord is a very sweet elderly guy, but still a cheap bastard... Maybe I'll go freeballin' into work tomorrow... woohoo!!

Made a good few more shirts the other night... This one's navy blue, but who can tell, right? Maybe I should get a manniquin to pose for me next time... I'll fetch a dummy from somewhere, o wait, that would be me! It's the image of Kuanyin... She's been called the Goddess of Mercy, sorta mystical like... like... Pegasus, but not really [k, now big Buddha's gonna smash me with his big belly! hee!]... I'm still an agnostic, or did I say I'm an atheist before? I don't remember. I like my thoughts to be freeform. Anyway, I've always liked the lady called Kuanyin... all her images and statues that I've seen of hers since I was young were ever so graceful...

I guess before my class ends in 3 weeks, I'll be making my final 2 designs... One that reads: DESTROY ALL MANKIND. What do you think? Been wanted to do this one for a longwhile... The phrase... seems so... final!! How else would one describe it? It's a joke [really!] and when people see it, they'll prolly hate me AND maybe, just maybe, it'll strike a spark in them, realizing for a moment on how vulnerable we truly are... K, maybe not... but y'know, I'm just doing it for myself anyway! heh heh! So does anyone know of a good sans-serif, semi-bold, end-of-the-world kinda font?

And my final project will be a Mrhappysad shirt... "Why be happy? Why be sad?"

Music: Buddhist chant -

I'm in South Park

Hey, I look kinda cute here, in 2D... heee! Make your very own South Park character... I wanted Cartman's body tho and they didn't have it... poo! Nice weekend everybody!

Common DeNOMInator

Woohooo! This guy name's Jay and he's a superdude [that sounded so high-school!]... I found his weblog via Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven page. [Todd knows all the kool peeps! Why? cuz he's Todd, that's why! heh!]

Anyway, been browsing thru Jay's site and I find that we have a good few things in common! Like music, video gaming, 2D/3D/Flash... o and Klaus Nomi... no one would give me the time of day if I mentioned Nomi's name! poo!

So that's pretty egg-citing considering my day started out pretty slow and drab. He's amazing at what he does and what he knows... Anyway, that's just my observation, tho I'm sure it's true! Now egg-xcuse me while I try out this ascii thingy... Hey, maybe later on we can swap .fla files?!? haha!

The Heavy Heart

A story:

--

          I was diagnosed on a dark, cold night last winter. I knew I probably had it. I’d been sicker than usual. So had my best friends (I’ve lost 14, including my three best friends).

          I hadn’t lived as Mother Teresa. However, what I didn’t expect was the subtle change in the way I now perceive and prioritize everything and everyone. So much just doesn’t matter anymore. So much else is equally and simply priceless, such as friends (sick or well) and my own health.

          Now, each day is a wonderful reprieve, each hour without aches and pains a bonus, and each doctor’s office visit is either a routine prophylaxis or another crash course in symptoms, diagnoses, and a trip to the friendly pharmacy. Is each pimple KS [Kaposi’s sarcoma]? Each cough PCP [pneumocystis carinii pneumonia]? Each bump some lymph-node trouble?

          Am I angry? No! I played. I pay. I have no regrets! In my mirror I now see something new: a fighter and a survivor, willing to do anything to stay alive – as long as it is a quality life. I’m sympathetic to most of the goals of ACT-UP [AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power]; hopeful of a vaccine; overwhelmed by the loss of sooooo much talent, the size of The Quilt [an AIDS memorial I progress]; and the hope that “chronic manageable lifetime illness” will kick in before I check out.

          Life is still very good, has much to offer, even with my immune problems. The alternative is another memorial service, another loss. Fighters last longer. I’m a fighter, fighting for my life.

          At a camp my parents sent my brother and me to when we were young, there was a sign hung in the dining room that read: WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR, BE THANKFUL FOR SOME OF THE THINGS YOU DON’T HAVE. This may sound morbid, but I have pictures of me with most of the friends I’ve lost to AIDS. I’ve had five-by-seven photos made that are up on my wall in a collage. It’s a place of honor. It’s really important for me to focus on them when I think of the MAI [mycobacterium avium intracellulare], the KS, the toxoplasmosis, and some of the really awful things that some of my buddies have had and had to deal with. Boy, I don’t have a problem in the world compared to what they went through. So I am grateful for the things that I don’t have and don’t have to deal with. At least not yet.

          I’m not giving up. It may sound a little goofy, but I don’t want to jump right on the medical prescription bandwagon. I’ve opted not to go on AZT or DDI at this time. I don’t want to do that. I know it’s pretty toxic stuff. I know that everything is a trade-off, but at this point I just don’t want to put that stuff in my body. I am doing Zovirax, and I’m also eating bananas for neuropathy. But that’s about it. For now, I’m doing OK. If I were to have another major episode of something, I would probably reconsider, but I think I have some time.

          I’ve also joined Test Positive Aware, a support group here in Chicago that’s been pretty significant to me. I very much like the “Ask the Doctor” nights that they have about once every five weeks. The question-and-answer periods are incredibly informative, and I’m always asking question. I also read a lot. I get Project Informed, Data, New York Native, and the TPA newsletter. I read the gay rags every week, not in a phobic way, but just because I want to be informed.

          What do I miss most?

          Having sex without rubbers. I really miss that.

          What would I say to other people?

          The most important thing is to listen to your body. That sounds awfully simplistic, probably, but I think it’s the thing that has worked most for me and for a couple of my friends. It tells me when I need to eat. It tells me when I need to rest. I get really tired now. When my friend was here from out of town, I took a nap twice a day for 15 or 20 minutes. I just lay down and did nothing but listen to my body. It may sound like voodoo, but it really does work.

          What was my childhood ambition?

          I wanted to be a king and live in a castle. Also, when I was 10, I wrote something called “My Ambition.” It was done on that old wide-line paper, and my penmanship was just horrible because I was just learning to write instead of print. Now, I have it up on my wall. Let me share it with you:

          Well, I’ve changed some of that.

Bill Hanson, 47, is an administrative secretary. He was diagnosed with pneumocystis and AIDS on December 14, 1990. As of this writing, he is still working, still healthy, and still fighting.

Text: Voices That Care - Neal Hitchens

--

From an old book © 1992. I was looking through my books on the shelves and I remember reading this particular book way back when... I remember reading it for the first time, I just couldn't stop crying... some stories are very sad, but mostly the book is filled with stories of encouragement. AIDS happens to people on all walks of life. So much to say on the subject itself...

Some stories are hard to take in at times cuz you feel so much for the life of the individuals, everyone's affected by it one way or another... It's not an everyday book, but it's a good book. A firm reminder on whatever quality of condition that I'm in, I shall welcome my every day life with open arms.

The Man Who Is Awake

One of my favourite images from Vivienne Tam's book, China Chic... I never knew the story of Buddha... Never was familiar cuz I was never informed. I was a reeeeallly quiet kid. My family never told me and I never asked... Just one of those things! When I was young, I was educated in a Catholic school yet brought up in Buddhism at home, kinda fun-knee yet I'm glad it happened that way. Why? Cuz that's what it makes - me.

On My Way

I have a good 45-minute drive to work on the freeway. My class is tonight, so I didn't carpool today. Driving this morning, listening to the music of the Buddhist monks, thinking alone...

Have been listening to the chanting/music a lot lately. Dunno why... it's just soothing... Alec and I had talked about visiting China this summer, Beijing to be more specific. To see the Tian'anmen Square, Fobidden City, and of course, to take a long walk, on the Great Wall. For me, to see any of this is more than overwhelming... I wasn't born in China, but a lot of times I feel like that's where I truly belong. I've always, always wanted to see the majestic Wall... I remember once I had this postcard, it's an image of the Great Wall, on a somewhat foggy day... In the foreground there was this senior couple, sidewalk vendors I believe... A woman and a man, sitting by themselves, and having something to eat, without looking at the camera, just sitting there - thinking... Resting on a remote section of the Great Wall, and behind them, you'd see miles and miles of the wall outstretched. I've always loved that image.

Remembering the first time I went to China. I flew over with my mom and dad, but I spent most of my time with my mother alone cuz my dad had to go away to other cities to do business. My mother and I spent most of the time in the rural area of China. It was fantastic. Most parts you see cows and pigs and chickens running around, houses were merely lit by dusty old lightbulbs... People were poor peasants/villagers, but happy nonetheless. Remembering... A sense of place. I do feel a certain connection with China, I dunno why... I found myself crying in the car, thinking about a lot of things...

Everyone needs guidance from one another. As far as religion goes, I think I take in a little of this, and a little of that. But a lot of times, doesn't it seem like the bad always outweighs the good things in life? And the good stuff in life always seems so... fleeting... does it not? Almost everywhere you look, there happens to be pain and suffering all around... War, famine, poverty... a child being bullied in school, a teenager who has a drug problem, a homeless person, or a loved one suffering from a terminal illness... Life at times seems so discouraging...

But it just seems that way... Have to remember the goodness in people, and in life itself. I believe the genuinely good always shines... that warm sunshinny feeling always stays with you, whenever you think about all the good stuff, whether it may be a good deed that was done to you, or you to others... Think about yesterday and today, yet focus on what you can do today... It's not the beginning or the end that matters, it's everything in between, that's what counts. World turns for reasons...

Everything is dependent on the will of the self. With the sufferings of this life, one must strive to better his own conditions.

Round n' Round

It's been a quiet weekend/week so far... great!! Though I did go apartment hunting for a friend with a few co-workers of mine this weekend, but we also shopped for a few hours, that's always a good thing. The next few weekends will be hectic... Shopping at the Cabazon Outlets, going to a Chinese opera named Peach Blossom Fan at the REDCAT, dinner at the Magic Castle, and also dinner and a night out with Alec's parents. O and did I mention that Alec just flew back home to tell his folks about him and ME! Oy... it's a good thing though.... Nice folks indeed, but still... I'm a nervous wreck!

Anyway. today at work I was just thinking... In life, if you're lucky, after spending years and years and years on this plane, where does it really get you? I think somewhere close to where we first started, here! [What/wherever 'here' is!] It's like you're born, you live out your whole entire life doing whatever, and then you die. 'Here' is just like a pit-stop. I just know it... and hopefully I'm going to make the best of it while I'm here! So that was what I was day-dreaming, I mean thinking about. Very very unproductive, in my head.

Last night after my class, I got home and started watching John Waters' Pink Flamingos and Female Trouble back to back... Have seen them before, so sinfully perverted, outrageously gross and... love it! Before I go, I found this [4.6MB, .mov] somewhere. Kinda silly, but hit very close to heart! [heehee!] O and a coworker today sent me this [1MB, .mpeg], I'm a cat-lover myself, and this is EVIL. And this, great for lighting your pilot light... hehe! And lastly, most of you have prolly seen this already... this is to make up for the last 2 links. Cuuuute!

Spider and I

Well, might as well put my spidey on the net, too... along with its other dead friends. Its fangs are pretty big, but I'm sure not many people are interested in seeing. Couldn't resist purchasing this poor lil' chap when I saw it being displayed on the wall. "Look at me look at me... please please take me home and I'll be your best friend forever!!!"

"Mmm... Okay!"

On another note, I've been feeling tired lately, I think it's anemia... I'm sure I know why but for reasons I can't really say. I dislike taking my iron pills... Last week I took 2 the same time and it made me all nauseous. I don't take my health too seriously... a bad thing. I should take better care of myself...

Anyway, better go to sleep...

PS. Remember that really disturbing 'Inverse Birth' movie clip that I was talking about the other night? It's back!!! Please view it at your own risk! Totally not safe for work [nor anywhere else really!] and don't say that I didn't warn you peeps! AAAHHHH!!!

For Homer

Thanks Homer, for the thought! I took this picture just for you. It's one of my bug collection. I especially adore the 2 butterflies with the 'transparent' wings, it's lovely and amazing. O heck, I like 'em all! You oughtta see my tarantula, with 'em legs all spread out, it's the size of my friggin' hand with fingers out-stretched! It's craaaazy, but I love it!

The LA's Natural History Museum's 18th Annual Bug Fair is coming up in May, I can't wait. Y'know I used to be really reeeally horrible to bugs... Fun-knee how a person can change so much given time... Maybe when I die, someday I'll come back as an insect or a myriapod myself! [squish]

Music: Sutra of the Medicine Buddha

The 13th Life

A coin spins, fatefully. From a synthesizer escapes a single errie note. It is vaporous at first, then more substantial, and finally piercingly poignant. The note falls then rises like a spectre in the mist. A startled woman runs towards centre stage, almost expiring with - what is it? Fear? Desire? "Mabuse!" she gasps, incredulous, her mouth and eyes wide, transfixed by something beyond language. Another female, calmly possessed, wonders aloud: "Why does it hurt when my heart misses the beat?"

Suddenly, there is an explosion of drums, followed by a series of chilling, lush synth-chords. From the wings emerges an enigmatic, hooded figure, all claws, fangs and sockets where eyes should be, freeze-drying the senses with the words, uttered in Euro-mangled English, "The man without shadow promises you the world. Tell him your dreams - and fanatical needs! He's buying them all. With cash..."

The scene is straight out of Fritz Lang, with all the diabolical dread of the original 'Nosferatu'. Tangibly intense yet perversely thrilling. Barely 40 seconds in and the world is a riot of black and white and blood red. By the time the Greek Chorus shrilly pleads, "Sell him your soul! Never look back!" you are entranced, spellbound by the ziggurat-beat, awed by the towering edifice of sound. It is a sound created by a group of musicians from Dusseldorf, and enhanced in a recording studio in West London by a magician called Horn...

...The exploitation of all possible sensations. Noise and girls come out to play. Sheer brutal beauty.

Text: Paul Lester; excerpts from Propaganda's Outside World

Ciao!

I've been so happy since I walked away
I never thought that I could feel as great as I do today
'Cause you were nothing but a big mistake
And life is wonderful, now that I'm rid of you

Oh I must've been crazy to have stayed with you
I can't believe I thought I was in love with you
But now the scales have fallen I can really see
And I say go to hell, 'cause thats where you took me

Well, I've felt better since I slammed that door
You always cramped my style, I never noticed before
It's been a non-stop party since I flew the coop
I can't believe I fell for such a loser like you

And is it any wonder that I felt so blue
When I was always having to put up with you

Oh, here we go again, just lay the blame on me
Don't say another word, 'cause sweetheart - you're history

I know that you miss me really
Bet you wish that you still had me
You'll never find someone like me
But I've got no regrets at all

'Cause I've met this girl and she's so good to me
She's really beautiful, fantastic company
Oh, when I'm with her I realise what love can be
'Cause she's fifty times the person you will ever be

Good luck mister, do you think I care?
Since you've been gone the offers have been everywhere
I've got a million guys just lining up for me
I've turned a corner, boy, my life is ecstasy

Well, I've been in heaven since I walked away
I never thought that I could feel as great as I do today
'Cause you were nothing but a waste of space
And life is wonderful now that I'm over you

Text: Miki Berenyi

--

It's a 'duet' between Miki and Jarvis Cocker... I remember whenever I listen to this song mp3 [3.2MB], whether I was or wasn't in the midst of a breakup, or whatever, I always felt better afterwards... Who wouldn't? hahaha!

So this is the second shirt that I made. School's out this week, so I won't be making any, ugh!, but shall resume the following week. O and I had to flip the image or else the logo would read backwards. Now for something completely different, tonight I found something quite disturbing... hmm... it's a short video of a man's head [the one between the shoulders, and he's bald, thank goodness!] entering a woman's... mmm... Well, let's just say the title of the page is called "Inverse Birth"... You can figure out the rest! Anyway...

...so to all the heartbreakin' low-life bastards in the world - Ciao!

Souls Before the Creation of the Body

Know about the time when there were souls and no bodies.

This was a time of a few years, but each of those years was one of our millennia.

The souls were all arrayed in line. The world was presented to their sight. Nine out of ten of the souls ran towards it.

Then paradise was presented to the remaining souls. Out of these, nine out of ten ran towards it.

Then hell was shown to the remaining souls. Nine out of ten of them ran away from it in horror.

Then there were only a few souls, those who were affected by nothing at all. They had not been attracted by the earth or by paradise, nor had they feared hell.

The Celestial Voice spoke to these survivors, saying:

'Idiot souls, what is it that you want?'

The souls answered in unison:

'You who know all know that it is You whom we desire, and that we do not desire to leave Your Presence.'

The voice said to them:

'Desire of Us is perilous, causes hardship and innumerable perils.'

The souls answered him:

'We will gladly experience anything for the sake of being with You, and lose everything in order that we may gain everything.'

Text: Ilahi-Nama

I Feel Love

...and it looks like this!

It's a great shirt from American Apparel... The print is a weebit uneven cuz of the ink... it was kinda 'stiff' cuz someone from class left the lid open... ugh! But overall, I love it! Not that I can start to mass produce tons of shirts cuz the process is just a bit too 'tee'dious!!! [heh!] I'll just make a few whenever I can. Sure is fun, as long as I don't fuck it up!

Call me crazy, but I sure am proud to wear Nomi on my chest. For that, here is Nomi's very own live [electroclash] version of Donna Summer's I Feel Love mp3 [5.1MB]... Gives me goosebumps everytime I hear it!

The Cold Song II

What power art thou
Who from below
Hast made me rise
Unwillingly and slow
From beds of everlasting snow.

See'st thou not how stiff
And wondrous old
Far unfit to bear the bitter cold.

I can scarcely move
Or draw my breath
Let me, let me
Freeze again
Let me, let me
Freeze again to death.

Text: Henry Purcell

--

I was in bed already, but I always listen to CDs right before I fall asleep. Was listening to Klaus Nomi again, the Cold Genuis... his voice and music is bittersweet as ever... Playing The Cold Song again and again and again...

Tonight, I screenprinted my very own Nomi shirt...