Untitled

Life Is Bittersweet

Feeling something different...

Paradise of Song: Revisit

I don't write good stories, cuz I don't have the tolerence nor I have the patience. Seems like my mind always wanders to too many random places, yet in slow mo. Paradise is yet another one of my fave stories which I posted it about 2 years ago. If you happened to be the few that got the X'mas CD, it's on that too, among other things...

This piece is a bit long, but in the end, it does have a 'good' ending. I don't read too much cuz for me, a lot of times it causes confusion. Prolly not a bright reader either cuz I think I tend to disect a lot of information too slowly - like a sleepy manatee. Anyway, I find Paradise sublimely melancholic.

If life is what you see is true, therefore what is not to see?

--

Ahangar was a mighty swordsmith who lived in one of Afghanistan's remote eastern valleys. In time of peace he made steel ploughs, shoed horses and, above all, he sang.

The songs of Ahangar, who is known by different names in various parts of Central Asia, were eagerly listened to by the people of the valleys. They came from the forests of giant walnuts trees, from the snowcapped Hindu-Kush, from Qataghan and Badakhshan, from Khanabad and Kunar, from Herat and Paghman, to hear his songs.

Above all, the people came to hear the song of all songs, which was Ahangar's Song of the Valley of Paradise.

This song had a haunting quality, and a strange lilt, and most of all it had a story which was so strange that people felt they knew the remote Valley of Paradise of which the smith sang. Often they asked him to sing it when he was not in the mood to do so, and he would refuse. Sometimes people asked him whether the Valley was truly real, and Ahangar could only say:

"The Valley of the Song is as real as real can be."

"But how do you know?" the people would ask, "Have you ever been there?"

To Ahangar, and to nearly all the people who heard him, the Valley of the Song was, however, real, real as real can be.

Aisha, a local maiden whom he loved, doubted whether there was such a place. So, too, did Hasan, a braggart and fearsome swordsman who swore to marry Aisha, and who lost no opportunity of laughing at the smith.

One day, when the villagers were sitting around silently after Ahangar had been telling his tale to them, Hasan spoke:

"If you believe that this valley is so real, and that it is, as you say, in those mountains of Sangan yonder, where the blue haze rises, why do you not try to find it?"

"It would not be right, I know that," said Ahangar.

"You know what it is convenient to know, and do not know what you do not want to know!" shouted Hasan. "Now, my friend, I propose a test. You love Aisha, but she does not trust you. She has no faith in this absurd Valley of yours. You could never marry her, because when there is no confidence between man and wife, they are not happy and all manner of evils result."

"Do you expect me to go to the valley, then?" asked Ahangar.

"Yes," said Hasan and all the audience together.

"If I go and return safely, will Aisha consent to marry me?" asked Ahangar.

"Yes," murmured Aisha.

So Ahangar, collecting some dried mulberries and a scrap of bread, set off for the distant mountains.

He climbed and climbed, until he came to a wall which encircled the entire range. When he had ascended its sheer sides, there was another wall, even more precipitous then the first. After that there was a third, then a fourth, and finally a fifth wall.

Descending on the other side, Ahangar found that he was in a valley, strikingly similar to his own.

People came out to welcome him, and as he saw them, Ahangar realized that something very strange was happening.

Months later, Ahangar the Smith, walking like an old man, limped into his native village, and made for his humble hut.

As word of his return spread throughout the countryside, people gathered in front of his home to hear what his adventures had been.

Hasan the swordsman spoke for them all, and called Ahangar to his window.

There was a gasp as everyone saw how old he had become.

"Well, Master Ahangar, and did you reach the Valley of Paradise?"

"I did."

"And what was it like?"

Ahangar, fumbling for his words, looked at the assembled people with a weariness and hopelessness that he had never felt before. He said:

"I climbed and I climbed, and I climbed. When it seemed as though there could be no human habitation in such a desolate place, and after many trials and disappointments, I came upon a valley. This valley was exactly like the one in which we live. And then I saw the people. Those people are not only like us people: they are the same people. For every Hasan, every Aisha, every Ahangar, every anybody whom we have here, there is another one, exactly the same in that valley."

"These are likenesses and reflections to us, when we see such things. But it is we who are the likeness and reflection of them--we who are here, we are their twins..."

Everyone thought that Ahangar had gone mad through his privations, and Aisha married Hasan the swordsman. Ahangar rapidly grew old and died. And all the people, every one who had heard this story from the lips of Ahangar, first lost heart in their lives, then grew old and died, for they felt that something was going to happen over which they had no control and from which they had no hope, and so they lost interest in life itself.

It is only once in a thousand years that this secret is seen by man. When he sees it, he is changed. When he tells its bare facts to others, they wither and die out.

People think that such an event is a catastrophe, and so they must not know about it, for they cannot understand [such is the nature of their ordinary life] that they have more selves than one, more hopes than one, more chances than one--up there, in the Paradise of the Song of Ahangar, the mighty smith.

Text: Idries Shah - Wisdom of the Idiots

Green and Sombre

I haven't got much time to take any pictures lately, but thanks to my dear friend Bridie, I have her permission on posting one of her gorgeous pictures... and I adore this one. It's a fresh look at Griffith Park here in Los Angeles, with all the rain we've gotten from last month, one can barely recognize it from the picture. With a city in the distant, the image seems oddly quiet and serene.

Moving on... I have an endoscopy procedure early tomorrow morning and that means... Woohooo! A 3-day weekend! I'll keep busy tho, just not work. Alec has the day off tomorrow so we'll be looking at more houses. We need a lot of luck in this seller's market.

Yesterday when I was driving, I was listening to a song by Anita Mui and at one point she sings: "...when we're young, we don't realize that we're in a dream. And when we finally wake up, that's when we go back to once where we belong." I've listened to the same track many times before, but last night it struck me a certain way and I find the words really poignant and touching. Cried a bit. Laughed a little. While stuck in traffic.

Moving on again... Here's something to listen to while you're looking all the foliage. By David Darling, called Darkwood IV: Dawn. Soothing. And we shall get more rain this weekend.

Think About What You Don't Know

Are you happy at where you're at? Are we ever? I look at my current job condition and I asked myself: "Can I do better?" "What if I were doing something else? What would that be?" "Do I want to?" Now is never the right moment, yet now is always the right time. If one breaks out of its shell, one can fall flat on his/her face, or he/she might rise above and beyond. I gave that a little thot today when I was at work.

A coworker of mine hasn't driven a motorbike for years, and yesterday he told me that he got a chance to drive one this weekend... What a great feeling!! He also took a jab at the art of welding with a help of a friend... Isn't that just wonderful? Learning something new... One might not like it, who knows. Maybe it's a start of something new?? So what am I good at? Hmm... arranging flowers? definitely not! Cooking? Maaaybe! Lap-dancing? Weeeeeeee!

Timing is crucial.

Wooziness and Sugarfree

Has it been 9 or 10 days? Feeling dizzy... Been very busy doing this and doing that. Even have been neglecting to write a few email in reply. Bad Rah-burt.

Saw my folks this weekend, helped them out with some things and for grandma. She's so weak, but she can still get around a bit. I drove her back to my brother's place to get some of her belongings back. when I was holding her hand, she clung on to me every step of the way, she felt as light as feathers. :-( And today at work during lunch time, a coworker and I went to Target. She was getting some lotion and on the other side of the aisle there were some Dr. Schall's products... I remember I used to buy my grandma foot products for her corns and calluses [sorry if I'm grossing you out!], but it's kinda sad now since she stopped asking me to buy them... I guess the older you get, certain things just don't matter much, and I'm thinking she prolly doesn't even feel the pain anymore. Tho I still buy her lotion and Efferdent tablets. :-)

So what else is new... hrm... It was Alec and I 6th anniversary on Sunday, we almost forgotten about it 'til we were watching a program on TV the night before, and the 2 couples were asking each other: "So, how long have you two been together?" Thanks Sushil and Preston again for remembering. Sweethearts. By the way, Alec and I are in the process of looking for our first home/house! Mortgage, woohooo!!

Changing lane. The other day I was driving on the freeway and this one guy sorta cut me off without even signaling, so I thot I would do the same to him just to 'teach him a lesson'... But alas, right after I did that I was thinking, maybe he was doing exactly the same thing cuz somebody did that to him... BUT I didn't do it!?! So at that moment I deducted life's either powered by karmic energy, or maybe it's just one big chain reaction after another... Hmm... so I sped off.

Lastly, I went CD shopping cuz this particular disc wasn't on iTunes, or that I just couldn't find it. This one particular song reminded me of a friend of mine, Kiel... I would categorize it as sorta bliss-pop'ish and I find it even a bit solemnly beautiful... Elrich Schnauss' On My Own, hope you like it. So far for the past 2 days I have been playing this track over and over... It's a shoegazer's dream... Feeling woozy...

The Game of LIFE, Part II

Sometimes I think that life is like a dream... And when someone close to you dies, it's like your dream is being taken away, and in time, you start to rebuild it again, piece by piece... I never know how to react to death, but I think I know how I would feel... Helplessness, confused, and I would question the entity of life itself - again, but I never know what to do, and what to say. I will just be. Seems like everything is appropriate and not.

If life is such a beautiful thing, then is death the complete opposite? Stand by for life. What if everyone is given a certain amount of time to live, say 29,200 days, maybe then we won't regard life as profound as we do now, least not as significant. No? Our days are numbered, would you want to know how much time you have left? What if you have a terminal illness? I guess everything does have its pluses and minuses, and there are always more than 2 sides of every thing.

Life is a miraculous miracle and I believe that no one ever truly take theirs for granted. Fun-knee enough, it reminds me of our childhood game of Hide and Seek...... And if one happens to think about it, then the magic is gone.

What Do You Feel?

Does love ever die? Does it fade? Can it ever be replaced?

I thought I loved some things, but recently I realized that I don't feel it as strongly as I used to. It was bit of a downer. The moment I realized it, I felt solemn and a bit dumbstruck. It was an odd feeling indeed. I thot: "What happened?!?" Obviously my feelings have changed over time.

Maybe I'm just making room for something else.

We Stay Still

Getting grocery, doing laundry, paying bills, going to work, taking my medicine, the rain, the sunsets... Y'know, it's like nothing seems to matter anymore when knowing your loved ones are growing old, growing frail, towards the end of life...

My grandmother was in the hospital recently [she fainted] and ever since she got home, she's been really weak. My mom told me last night that grandma hasn't really been the same...

Today while on the freeway, I drove by downtown LA and saw a Chinese New Year parade on the bridge above, and then I wondered if she's going to make it to next year...

I've never met my grandfather, and she hasn't seen him for almost 70 years now - maybe soon, maybe not - only time will tell. I believe, and will always remember, that life [and beyond] is truly a miracle, and wherever/whatever she will be or become, someday, I'll be there, too... and I find that comforting.

The Nomi Song

He looked like an alien, but sang like a diva. Klaus Nomi was one of 1980's most profoundly bizarre entertainers—a New Wave cult figure who sang pop music like opera and brought opera to club audiences. His "look" was so strong audiences went wild before he even opened his mouth. On the verge of international fame as a singer, he instead became one of the first prominent artists to die of AIDS. Director Andrew Horn tells Nomi's remarkable story—one of fame, friendship, betrayal, and a performer so unique he is still unforgettable even twenty years after his death.

Text: Palm Pictures

--

I know I've written about Nomi before... but I can't believe it, it's finally here! There've been talk about the movie a few years back, and now I'm gonna go see it this Friday! woohooo! Euphoria! When was the last time you were really, really excited about something? I'm like a kid again! Wait, I AM a kid! Look, a tribute! *...and I, got - a dress!*

I just watched the trailer [QT; 4.2MB] and it's been looping on my screen for the past 10 minutes [and I like the fact that the trailer was narrated by a child, heh!]! I was listening to Nomi's rendition of Der Nussbaum just this morning, and I was almost in tears. I felt really sad. Such triumph and tragedy in such a short time. As for the song Total Eclipse:

Last dance
Let the entire cast dance
Due to dismembered
Last dance
As we get atomized

...I just love that!! It's like in the very end, why not go out with a bang - and with style!! And so he did.

If you listen to 1 Nomi song, you prolly think "What the hell is this?!?" 2 songs, you'll really think that he's a friggin' oddball. 3 songs, confused and think "I still can't believe what I'm hearing!!" But if you keep listening, you'll eventually see the world that Nomi saw. I think for Nomi, it was more than about breaking boundaries, being different and avant-garde, or maybe performing just for the sake of eclecticism, it was about self-discovery, finding your true inner being and for once, and completely, not being afraid while doing it. Living the life!

"It's so simple!"

--

TOTAL ECLIPSE
Big shots
Argue about what they've got
Making the planet so hot
Hot as a holocaust

Blow up
Everything's going to go up
Even if you don't show up
In your chemise Lacoste

Total eclipse, it's a total eclipse
It's a total eclipse of the sun
Welcome to this
With the total eclipse
Just a slip of your lips
And you're done

Fallout
Nobody left to crawl out
If someone calls we're all out
Turning into French fries

Last dance
Let the entire cast dance
Due to dismembered
Last dance
As we get atomized

Total eclipse, it's a total eclipse
It's a total eclipse of the sun
Welcome to this
With the total eclipse
Just a slip of your lips
And you're done

Total eclipse, it's a total eclipse
It's a total eclipse of the sun
Welcome to this
With the total eclipse
Just a slip of your lips
And you're done

Rock Star

Last night I was listening to This Mortal Coil and I can remember so much from my old days [I dare not say 'youth' cuz I wasn't that young then; ok, 21 years ago, 17 years young!]. Those 4AD import double albums kick'd some serious butt!! With attention to every detail... the photography, the design & layout, the typography, the printing and the pressing, the packaging and the music all in one ensemble / package was simply amazing!! One would have to see it to believe it.

I remember listening to their music would just take me worlds away. In a dark and soundless room [mine usually], I would put on their records in low volume and drift off... I believe their music does take a bit to get used to, but once heard, you'll be hooked. I wouldn't categorize their music as strictly being sad or depressing [most would agree], even though sometimes it can be dark and brooding, but in my eyes [and ears], it's nothing but ethereal bliss. Beautiful & poignant. It's my perfect music. My life was transformed.

Their music had reshaped my way of thinking and on how I see my worlds, yet still today, and I can say that they are, and will always be, my favourite band of my time. Rock on!

Unbelievable!

Wow. I don't know what to think! It just doesn't seem right to me at the moment, or am I just being a bit harsh?!?

Thinking About Thinking

You know when you're just simply 'doing' things of the ordinary... Basic mundane tasks like walking, driving, reading, washing dishes, etc... While you're acting out that certain something - at times when you think about it - isn't it nice that you're not able to think about 'other' things at the same time? I like that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the brain can process multiple thoughts at once.

I know that there's a certain time and place for every thing [tho prolly 99.9871257481% of it, we will not live long enough to experience!], but while one's occupied on a certain something, it's just great not to feel the 'flipside' of things, in that duration of time at least. So other than my original thought stated above, maybe when one's doing all the boring stuff and thinking, in actuality, at the same time your brain is subconsciously formulating a wicked scheme otherwise?!? No?

Talking about thinking [sounds kinda fun-knee! heh!], it seems to me that my overall actions and thoughts are geared toward a single direction, eg. from Point A to Point B, is there any other way to go about? More like, if you are doing 'this' and moving this-one-way, what exactly is the parallel thought to that? [Well I guess if one's all doped up, that's probably another story entirely.] Today I watched people doing some menial tasks at the office, photocopying, writing an email or just getting coffee, and I would be all watching... getting a sneaky peak on things and 'seeing' them thinking, or not... It's wondrous!

Do you think our thinking process travel in an uni-direction? I don't know. Rather than images, if you could see a thought in its form, what would it look like? Some kind of energy wave prolly! So partly, this was what went on in my head today. My head hurts! I don't know what it all means, I'm a silly puck, but I know I'm gonna think 'til I bleed one day! *Hey, I'm doing that right now!!* Um... If you have read / tolerated this far - thanks!

Originally I was gonna title this post - "Not Feeling It!"

Music: Bran Van 3000 - Everywhere

Spirit

There once was a boy that I knew, he wasn't too bright yet he wasn't too slow either, he was as simple as simple can be. He didn't laugh much and only cried here and there, yet as far as I can remember, he was a fairly decent lad.

He had a few friends. No one played with him much but he didn't mind. Somehow, he always found things to occupy himself with. I recalled his dad once gave him this stuffed animal. It was a teddy bear of sort, or was that a dog? I should have asked him to re-examine the beast.

The boy never threw a fit, he didn't know how, but I remembered when he did cry, and that only happened when he was terribly, terribly sad. As he got older, he did some really naughty things, he never felt the need to justify himself though, because he thought he wasn't hurting anyone really... Or was he?

As a young adult, he was never too exciting. But he was content. He knew that life was good, even with all the things that went on around the world and back, it never occurred to him that life was ever bad - EVER! The thought of that alone would be ludicrous! He was happy, he was sad, but he never cared too much about either one!

He [thought that he] fell in love and then he was out of it. He hated the ones he loved, because why would he give a shit to the people that he didn't care about anyway! Would you? *He never 'hated' anyone or anything really, but I just thought it would be neat to use the word together with 'loved' in the same sentence!* Everyone called him a crybaby! Then years later, he fell in love again, and this time, it was for real. And as real as real can be.

His entire life he was always so melancholy... Maybe it was a blessing? Maybe because it was the sunny weather?!? He thought about life frequent and frequently because that's all he could ever think about. He had his whole world in his head.

Years passed and seasons gone by and by... When he was still alive, I remembered him telling me again and again: "I lived a good life!" Many people do indeed, but not too many people realize it - truly.

He was a good man, and I think I miss him.

The Path II

Remember when? That was more than a year ago. Have I changed any? I must have. I might not have a bike in the picture, but I may still be on the same path, who knows - but me...

Fun-knee thing. Last night I had to sleep on the other side of the bed and since I can be such a creature of habit, I wasn't too used to sleeping on the flipside. All night I was having these 'uneasy' dreams... like moving pictures of me wearing my underwear backwards [not inside out], standing on wet floor in the bathroom [o I hate that for some reasons], and reading a book with English grammar that don't make any sense and sentences that would end in 2 [double] periods... and other wacky behaviours as well tho I don't quite remember! Dreams are a trip, but life is trippier!

On another note, I found the track!!! heh! You can go to the radioblog.electronika and you'll find it, by O-Zone! Who would've thot - Romanian! Way kool!

Anyway, back to the picture... *Can't really concentrate with that darn song playing in the background!* This picture was taken up in Olympia, WA., a path called the Woodard Bay Trail about a mile off Alec's parents' house... And at the end of this wondrous trail, you'll find this lovely place... I tell yah, no matter how straight a path and bittersweet a life, sometimes you just don't know what lies ahead! It's a brand new year, and I'm just happy that I'm still treading...

So, and with that, however long and near that may be, in your own accord, may you find your very own enchanted trail... G'nite!

Brand New Year

I hope everyone had a great first day of 2005. This picture was taken at this beach right below Alec's parents' home. Call me crazy, but I do love this cool, cold wintery weather here in Olympia, Washington. There's definitely this distinguished tranquility & calmness feeling about it here...

Tonight we saw the film Sideways, pretty good and there are a couple of scenes that are just laugh-out-loud hilarious!! And if you happened to be a wine enthusiast, you'll really dig the film.

Anyway, it'll prolly take me a week or so to catch up on some of my favourite blog reads... can't wait! So last night, my cousin Mike sent this to me along with his New Year's greetings... Dunno where he got it from [does anyone?], but it made me chuckle! haha!

PS. Isn't it a good thing to end one's post with a big laugh?

New Year Wish

Left 5 million people homeless, 121,000 deaths and counting, the tsunami left a devastating trail of sadness and sorrow all over the world this December. Alec always gives every chance he gets. If you can, give to the Red Cross this year, and make sure to give through your work if they'll match your contribution.

Sometimes life seems beyond our control, but in time, understanding will prevail. With all the joy and hurting in the world, my wish for every one a healthy and a happy self. See you all next year...

-Robert

Big Little Things / Many Thanks

When I got home from work today, a box was waiting for me behind the screen door. To my surprise, it was from Wayne!!! THANKS WAYNE!!! So nice of him and all this time he was telling me NOT to get him something for this holidays! Holy torpedos! I knew he was up to something! Also when I was checking my mail, I received a lovely handmade card [it's a beaut!!] from Homer! It's so fantastic!!. [Not to rub, I mean uh, boost your ego Homer, and may truth be told, it is one of the nicer cards that I've seen in a long while! Maybe it's the fact that the card was made from the heart!] I've also gotten stuff from other online friends before... music CDs from Stuart [non-blogger], Jeff and Sushil, and a DVD from Dr.P... I feel so blessed!

I guess I'm a bit overwhelmed! Seeing the individual's handwriting on a card or on a CD, hearing their voices over the phone, things like that are sorta like little 'gifts' that they leave behind. It's like taking a little glimpse or a sneak peek on who these people are. Very intimate. I think to myself: Wow, these people took the time to do all this for me, and seeing how they write and what they sound like for the first time, put a big big smile on my face! It's a total trip! I love this feeling... :-)

That's really all I want to say today. I feel extra special right now, and I'm glad that I finally took my time to express this. Thanks everybody very much. I can't tell you all enough.

--

I wrote the above yesterday afternoon and now, it's Christmas eve! yey! Alec and I will be flying off to Seattle tomorrow and coming back next Thursday. Maybe this will be my last post for the year!?! Dunno! So Merry Christmas everybody and have a happy, safe and a healthy New Year to come. Take great care of yourself, and each other! HO HO HO!!

Winds of Change

Many times I've reminded myself, that I would like not to fluctuate too much in my life, things in general... Isn't that a comforting thought? Or that I'm just a really boring person. Not too fast, not too slow, not too sweet, not too bitter... nothing too hectic, nothing too laid back... Many changes occur in life, mine and yours, day in and day out, changes can be a very good things, and I try not to let it 'overwhelm' me too much... Trying not to anticipate changes on the outside, yet quietly trying to prepare myself for all things to come on the inside. What else can one do, right? Change is inevitable and constant. Change is the real time machine.

Back to what I was talking about, trying not to fluctuate and be 'still'... Lately I've been thinking thinking - so while I'm doing just that, every thing and every one else around me are moving onward, I feel a bit like that I'm 'lagging' behind, sort of! Theoretically! At one point, that's how I felt last week... People around me were moving on and advancing, all the while I was staying put, being the same person that I've always been... Sorta like sitting still, floating inside a vaccum, while all other else going on with their daily business....

May it be psychological or an air pocket in my brain, but the motion [or lack of] seems true enough at times. Whatever it is and however it may be, I think we all go through it... a byproduct of time. The winds of change, no matter how grand or how minute, one can't escape. You can go with the flow or against it with all your might, and an inaction is still an action.

A Name Of Your Own

I've been thinking about it for the past week... I'm more and more tempted to get another tattoo, 7 years after my 2nd! One that would go on my back, below my neck right between my blades. About 2" by 2" in size...

Either the Chinese character of 'Buddha', or my name, also in Chinese of course... I had an ink stamp made of my Chinese name [Wayne would know what I'm talking about! heh!] while I was in Beijing, and all three characters fit nicely in a square... very nicely carved. So anyway, I've talked to Alec about it and this might be my X'mas present this year. Yey!

Call me silly, but while I was thinking about the idea of inking my name on my skin, it sorta saddened me. I was thinking: The process seems so... permanent, sorta... like branding of an animal... That I'm only the person I'm named, since birth, and that I can't be any one/thing else, but me... I'm unique, yet limited.

To me, that's a very strange thought and I know it's just all in my head. Anyway, thanks for listening... and yet I've always asked myself: Are you only who you think you are?

A Not So Foreign Land

It was quite an experience. Most parts of Beijing wasn't what people would call - beautiful, but the land is great. A quick recap on the places we visited: The Gate of Heavenly Peace [Tiananmen]; the 78-acre pied-à-terre to the emperors - the Forbidden City; the imperial retreat - the Summer Palace; the almost 4,000-mile magnificent Great Wall and the Temple of Heaven, which is set in a vast 660-acre park. We also visited the province of Xi'an, where it houses the 2,000-year-old army of terra-cotta warriors. *Whew!*

Each destination takes at least a day-long to soak in all of its splendor, with the exception of Tiananmen and the Forbidden City, which are connected. Each place has its own brilliance, and each place is strikingly beautiful.

The people there were equally as exciting... Tho I did see a few things that were heartbreaking. The sidewalk vendors from all the touristy spots are really really pushy, it's survival of the fittest. At one point in Xi'an, I saw this feeble old lady was trying to sell this one box of miniature warrior set to the tourists. There were so many other [younger] vendors in front of her... As I was walking away, I heard her little voice saying the price of the warriors were only 10 yuan [$1.22USD]... There were just too many vendors and I only walked away. Alec didn't see her, but I saw the look on her face... Afterwards I felt really, really shitty... and I couldn't help but to think about her all that day...

Not to change the subject, but that was just one of the reminder to me that my life's been soooo kind, and simple. China is massive, but most parts of the country is still undeveloped and mostly rural areas. Seeing some of the living situations over there, it's beyond words, and I know that there are even more poorer countries out there...... I'm never a happy camper am I? We really have it good here...

Anyway, I shall end this. The pictures are uploaded here, and Alec and I have talked about it and are planning on going back in 2008 for the summer Olympic games. It would be really nice to go back again, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of China. Thanks Babe!

Throughout my life, I've always been very proud and content, and in some ways I hope -- after this trip -- even more so with a deeper understanding to all things to come.

The Road Home

Well, close. It ain't a 'road' on getting there, but there'll be plenty once we get there the day after tomorrow. Ain't much of a 'home' either cuz I wasn't born in China. But I feel it... and I know I'm gonna cry [big baby!]! I feel it as though it's my home, my home at heart, even though I've been in the states since '77... a long time!

We'll be back in a week or so. Take good care everybody and I'll see you all soon enough. Much luff! *waving*

Music: San Bao - Not One Less [Soundtrack]
Image: Unknown; via Internet

A Week

It's been 7 days. Didn't God create something in a week? Or was it 8 days? I was busy, but didn't do much for myself really. What are the highlights? Hmm...

Aside from the wedding that I attended, I flew out to Plano, TX for work and met up with Santa, oops, I mean Preston. He took me out to eat and also visited the gayborhood. Later we had coffee and tiramisu for desserts over at Crossroads! mmm.... And did you know that 'desserts' spelled backwards is... heh! Thanks again Preston!! You're a sweetheart!

Also this weekend I ventured out to Dragstrip! Met up with a few friends. The only reason I went was because of the theme for the month - Gothic! The music was kinda lame [to me anyway]... The entire night they played like 10+/- Gothic tracks. bleh! Was that a highlight? Not really.

Last night was the best tho [sorry Preston! hee!]... Met up with some friends over at Hamburger Mary's. My girlfriend, who's about 6-month pregnant, was telling me how active her baby is, all moving and kicking... She also told me that one night she felt her [babygirl] turned all the way up and over and around in her tummy... Heh, cute! Later on I asked her if I could rub her belly... I did, my first time ever, and it was one of the most amazing and beautiful experiences that I've ever felt!! It was all very meditative and 'comforting'...

Later on, all of us were walking on the street... I said to her, "The miracle of life." And she replied, "The miracle of life."... and that was good.

Music: Red House Painters - Instrumental

YES

This shirt design is from Yoko Ono's 2001 YES exhibition up in San Francisco that year. I drove up with some friends one weekend just to see the exhibit. I'm very glad that I did. She's one amazing woman.

I haven't worn the shirt for a long while. The other night I wore it and I felt good. It put a smile on my face. *happysad*

Resumé / Everyman / Everywoman

While taking my shower this morning, I was thinking [among other things] about my resumé! This little boy used to be on the very top of the page... actually, he still is... and this use to be my cover letter! Yeah, the last time I had to send out resumés was in the summer of 2000, to a good bunch of design firm. Seems like a long time ago, but not too long... Now if I were to send out my resumé again, I prolly wouldn't use the same stationery. Would I?

On another note, remember John Lennon/Yoko Ono's album Double Fantasy? Specifically, the song Every Man Has a Woman Who Loves Him? [Most peeps are prolly like, "Yikes, Yoko Ono!!" This time around Yoko came out with her own version of the song to reflect the gay community... woohoo!! Basement Jaxx did a Man2Man, Woman2Woman and a regular Str8 version... I uploaded a couple of mixes to my radioblog. I know I have a lot of songs in there... But if you happened to be in the mood, feel free to dig around, you'll find them...

Have a wonderful weekend! Signing off...

--

Every man has a man who loves him
In rain or shine or life and death
If he finds him in this lifetime
He will know when he looks into his eyes

Why do I roam when I know you're the one
Why do I laugh when I feel like crying

Every woman has a woman who loves her
Rise or fall of her life and death
If she finds her in this life time
She will know when she presses her ear to her breast

Why do I roam when I know you're the one
Why do I run when I feel like holding you

Every man has a man who loves him
If he finds him in this lifetime
He will know...

The Passage

When one's alive, one feels the love, and the pain... and when death finally comes? Now why must I talk about death n' dying...

I was thinking [again] last night right before I fell asleep... Listening to a bit of music, drifting off... conversing with the dreamy demons: Y'know, not everyone's 'fortunate' enough to lie in his/her own deathbed. Sounds a bit morbid? It's just that you've read and heard stories about people 'letting go', while they're clutching their last breaths...

"It's okay, it's okay to let go... It's time..."

When people are in their last hours of life, sometimes, they need to be reassured. Next week is my grandfather's 10-year anniversary since his passing. I wasn't at the hospital that night cuz I was working, and by the time I got the message and hurried over to the hospital, he was gone... The room was cleaned up and everyone had gone home. I didn't cry, and I didn't cry 'til the day of the burial.

You know that splitting moment when the dying [whether consciously or subconsciously] made that undeniable decision to finally 'cross over', there's just no going back... So I was thinking - that moment seems neither happy nor sad... It's just the thing to do.

It Wanted The Light It Wanted Everything Inside

[One] thought popped in my mind this morning [or was it last night?]... I believe a thought is basically linear, and singular, pretty much... A schizophrenic may hear different voices in the head, are they played out one after another or multi-layered?

Can anyone have multiple thoughts [not voices] going on at the same time? Is it possible? Thinking within. I wonder.

Music: Darron Flagg; Bach - C-Major Prelude from The Well Tempered Clavier

People

It's 10.57pm right now and it's late for me. I stopped off at the bank ATM machine about an hour ago and got some cash out. Near the front of the bank was this Mexican catering truck parked at the curb. I haven't taken my iron pill for the day so I decided to get some tacos to go ['em damn pills can really wreck havoc to your stomach even if you take it with food!!! ugh! Anyway, long story!]... I ordered 4.

I took out a $20 bill to pay her and she said: "Smaller?" "Sorry, I only have $20's. Is it 4 dollars? You can just give me fifteen back." She smiled as she reached in her apron and took out a small wad of money, with bunch of singles and one 5-dollar bill. She counted the one 5 and the rest with dollar bills. "5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15... 16." She counted every bill out.

I felt kinda bad. I wanted to make it easier for her thinking that she would most likely have a $10 and a $5 for change... I also wanted to give her a tip or something... I know, with my friggin' dollar ain't gonna buy her anything... I didn't see a tip box, and giving her 1 or 2 dollars flat out is prolly an insult or something. I was thinking: I know working these late hours isn't easy at all, and they all work hard and probably get so little out of it... I smiled and said my thank you, and then I took my food and walked away.

I could say more, but I won't. To me, they were very friendly, genuine, hardworking people... and I think that's something worth writing about. G'nite!

The World Unites

The Olympic games are finally over. I never used to watch it really, cuz I've always thought to myself: Why on earth do people find it important to be so competitive?

But I realized that, after seeing the closing ceremony the other night, to most people, it's the competitiveness, or the will to strive for excellence, but yet maybe to a few, it's the gathering of different races, of cultures... of all the people who represented their nations and countries, in one single place, celebrating...

That night, I find it really sad to see it all end, for now, yet joyous just to feel the energy from all the people being together - as one world! And I find that tremendously uplifting...

Cloud Break

Do you agree that beauty comes in all things? For me, at times, such a thing is like a certain [bitter]sweetness to the senses... But if you disagree, maybe sometimes beauty can be a by-product? How does one perceive? Different minds, different perspectives, different thoughts, different meanings... Even something unfamiliar! Invoke your senses.

It starts with you.

Music: This Mortal Coil - Acid, Bitter and Sad

Of All Colours

Life is black and life is white. Yet it's the in-between colours that I crave... How vibrant is your life?

Music: Various trad. Chinese music

Present Tense

I was just thinking thinking... That [hopefully] by the end of the day tomorrow, maybe I'll have learned a few good things that I wouldn't have known today, but also I'll most likely to have forgotten a few other things, as well... The balance of life.

It's just a thought. Though it's nice to reflect on what I experienced today, and to realize.

Music: Dave Clarke - The Wiggle

Almost Everything...

I think, ...can be called - art! Almost. What isn't? I am not so sure. Darkness? Then again, that's not so much is a thing. I guess to some people, even a scene of a crime, can be manipulated and be classified as 'art'. Course, there's 'good' art and then there's 'bad' art, according to - you!

If I see something I like, I definitely will appreciate it. And if I see something that I'm not so fond of, I'm sure a lot of others will think otherwise. Almost any one thing can stimulate a person at any given point in time, this process of stimulation, I think that's art in itself...

Image: 4AD; generic 12" vinyl label. Circa 1981

The Truer Picture

I was reading movie reviews on Amazon.com tonight. At one point, about a particular favourite movie of mine a reviewer said:

"...it's about being human."

I just love that... Those simple words just kept echoing in my head. So I wrote him back and thanked him.

Girl Shorts

Today while I was driving home from shopping, I saw an image that reminded me of something... Y'know that feeling how sometimes a certain smell [hopefully something pleasant, heh!] can take you back to places? Listening to a familiar song? etc.

Anyway, so I was in my car stopping at a red light, and I saw this girl [no, she had jeans on, not shorts] walking around the corner of the street in front of this house, and the sun shining behind her... It wasn't seeing the girl that reminded me of something, it wasn't the afternoon sun, nor the house... It was the 'complete' imagery. None of the things made any sense, but when placed together in layers, a pleasant thot came over me and I had this deja vu feelin'!

Ooh, it's late, I'm outta here! Oright, BTW, I bought some of these girl shorts for myself this afternoon! woohoo! Have a wonderful week everybaudy!!

Do You Know The Sun Is Shining?

"Time passes, memory fades..." I mentioned that to Mark this morning... True innit? I had a wonderful birthday this weekend. Without going into details, grandma and I had a great time. I'm gonna try to have her come stay with me more often, but since I see Alec on the weekends, that means I'll have to take time off during the week to do so, but that's perfectly fine with me!

In addition, Stuart 'made' this just for me, a picture of him standing in front of a restaurant where we first met! Sweet guy! From his website, I think his toons are the most fabulous!

Last night I was thinking in bed [wait, I could've been sleeping!] that we're kinda like raindrops... You come from the sky as a small droplet, then if you're lucky, you get to 'grow'... you'll end up here and there... some place calm, some place torrential, and eventually when your time is up, you'll end up back in the sky, somehow, somewhere... Maybe to be back again...

My mind wanders... Has anyone heard the new k.d. lang's latest CD, Hymns of the 49th Parallel? She did a beautiful rendition of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah... I've been listening to it all night... It's rapturous! Compared to Rufus's cover, hmm... that's a tough one! And the song Calling All Angels with her and Jane Siberry simply brings me to tears...

I was on the phone with Alec just now. We were both listening to the song, and he asked, "Oh Babe, are you only happy when you're sad?"

"That's not true, I'm very happy."

Everything is dependent on the will of the self. With the sufferings of this life, one must strive to better his own conditions.

Picture Perfect / Library Girl

What a surprise!!! I read Eric's blog this morning and he sorta posted this picture up just for me! [least I would like to think so! heh!] It's swell!!! Swing by his world and say hello! We've only emailed each other a good few times, if not a couple, but from what I've gathered, he's one great guy. He's charming, sweet, classy and avant-garde, tho that's really an understatement. So now that I stole the picture from his site and it's being permanently reside on my blog, I feel great! :-)

Thanks to Eric AND Corin [they don't know of each other I don't think], Corin posted an idea here, that he and his fellow bloggers should all take a picture simultaneously, at a certain time and place, etc... Sounds like a project! So I was thinking maybe people can take a picture, may it be a self-portrait, objects, etc., for that certain someone or a friend... A one and only original photograph just for a specific person!! I think that would be very nice!!! Just like what Eric did [now I'm hoping this picture is reeeally for me! heh!]. Yeah?

That was just a thot... Maybe I can start doing that, like sending, or even just posting different 'personalized' pictures to a few good bloggers/friends! Who knows, tho I do think that's a pretty nifty idea.

--

On another note, I've been a lazy butt today. Mmm... feels great! Taking the next couple days off as well.. Tomorrow I'll be picking up my grandma to go shopping and eating and drinking, wait, no drinking... She'll spend the night tomorrow... Fun. Tho my coworker did advice me to make sure to hide all the porn... "It's only art grandma!! Popcorn?"

So I didn't do diddly this afternoon... no big whoop! Surfed on the net, watched 'movies', ate leftovers, took a late shower, breathing... Late afternoon I swung by Amoeba and got a couple of CDs... while going back and forth the aisles I saw people were setting up the stage for a live band... Yikes! I shuffled off quickly to make my purchase and left before the music started! Last thing I need is to get my wee-head blasted by some friggin' loud music... cuz I can do that my self thank you very much! ...and before I headed home, I had to stop off and return some 'educational' movies... 'nough said.

So I got His Name Is Alive's Rare Tracks in the Snow, and The Chameleons' Return of the Roughnecks... also Air's Surfing On A Rocket 12" vinyl. Ugh, I can't stand the newer HNIA stuff, but the old material is just simply divine... dreamy, devilish and charming... Now it's late and I'm transferring some reeeally old vinyl records to CDs for my dad, he'll like that once they're done! There, I'm not THAT lazy!

Music: The Chameleons - Silence, Sea and Sky / In Shreds

PS. I just checked out Tribe.net again, and there was this one person who has over 1600+ friends. Omilooord! Okay, I just now joined so I could check out all the mature content/pictures... I'm a perv, I know, but is that so wrong? *smirk*

The Faithful Wish: Revisit

One day a simpleton threw a coin down a wishing well. He wished for another coin. Later, as he walked upon the road, he found a coin.

The next day the man again threw a coin into the well, wished for a coin, and found a coin upon the road. This continued for several days and always the man wished for a coin, found a coin, and used it to wish for another.

At the end of a week the man cast two coins into the wishing well.

'I won't be able to come here tomorrow.' he explained.

Text: Thomas Wiloch - Tales of Lord Shantih

--

Another one of my fave short stories. I've posted this some time last year, and I tend to re-read my books often... So I'm getting inspired again! heh! Tho at times I don't fully quite grasp the 'full' or the 'intended' meaning of each story, but I know somewhere in the minute universe of my wee-mind, it constantly searches and finds its own way to interpret and decipher such...

'I won't be able to come here tomorrow." I find that a little sad... I wish good health and happiness for everyone!!!

Best Ever

For my birthday, I've never thrown a party, no group dinners, no surprises... Alec takes me out on a 'birthday' dinner every year, but mostly they're just simple everyday dinners. I'm going to invite my grandma over to our apartment for my birthday this year, I think this is a good present for myself. Sounds odd doesn't it? But she's 93, and a chance like this doesn't come around too often these days.

She's the best grandmother in my whole wide world. She raised me up when I was just a baby until my teenage years, she still tries to take care of me even now. She would give me unconditional love, so pure. She still advices me to find a nice girlfriend after all these years, and everytime I just give her some lame-ass excuses. When I was still with my ex, back in the early 90's, I tried to tell her about us, but somehow she just couldn't grasp the concept/idea... Her mind sorta went blank, so then I just changed the subject. Well, given the fact that she was raised in a very small village, just a plain old country girl back in her youth, 'til this day, she sorta still is. Everything of hers now fits into a little roll-away luggage. Her most important possession? It's a picture of my grandfather when he was in his twenties. He died when my mom was just a little girl, and she is the eldest of the 3 girls. Life was tough then, very tough... to be in mainland China at the time and having to take care of 3 little girls on her own, it was a hard life. She didn't read or write [she still can't, she only 'recognizes' numbers] and all she had was her determination, and I guess that was what kept her alive, with her girls.

One time I sorta 'interviewed' her... asking her about her past... All the stuff that happened recently, she can hardly remember... but ask her what happened over 60+ years ago, she can tell you almost every detail in a heartbeat. The names, the places, the people... It's amazing how her brain compartmentalizes on the things that she treasures...

Last time I saw her she talked about how she wants her ashes to be taken back to China when she dies, next to my grandfather. She hasn't seen him for over 70 years. I told her that I would take her back there... and that was her single wish.

...

So my birthday is the following weekend and I'll be taking 3 days off from work... During those 3 days, I'll have her come over and spend time with her. Take her shopping in Chinatown, and to some 5'6" and under ladies' apparel stores, have dim sum and such. She can still give a good walk, but I won't have her walk too much. I was just thinking tonight that she can't even operate one of those elderly electronic 'cart'... you know the ones they have at Target or Walmart! She's never even seen one before, let alone for her to maneuver it.

Now I just have to decide whether to take the time off before or after my birthday. I'll have fun and I hope she will too. My grandma is currently staying at my brother's place. I'll be going to visit my folks this Saturday and drive over to my brother's to see her as well. During weekdays, she's usually left by herself [long story], but I guess that's much better than for her staying at a convalescent home.

I took this picture the last time I saw her, a few weeks back. It came out quite good I think. So this I'm sure will be my best birthday ever!!! I love you grandma I really do, and I'll see you very soon!

Candyman

I ask: "Why do men exist?" I say: "The meaning of life. I think I understand that part, somewhat... But why do we exist?"

A friend of mine said: "To fuck them."

Is it the question? Or the answer? Or maybe the question is not meant to be asked.

i

The Magnetic Fields were excellent, to say the least. I didn't think I would like 'em as much. A quartet: a piano, a guitar/steel guitar/banjo, a cello and an ukelele player. The music was semi-tragically melodic and soothing, easy to listen to... Stephin's vocal was solemn and low and sweet and at times hardly audible - his trademark kinda. All the songs were beautifully executed in acoustic versions. His lyrics at times were fun-knee, tho mostly dreamy, reflective and poignant. Put a lump in my heart...

IF YOU DON'T CRY [excerpt]
If you don't cry
it isn't love
If you don't cry
then you just don't feel it deep enough...

Text: Stephin Merritt

PS. I have altered time.

Bittersweet

I just finished watching Donnie Darko again... good flick. Alec and I have seen it before and we both liked it - lotz. This coming Thursday KCRW has a premiere for the director's cut of the movie, and he got 2 tickets for us to go see it again. I heard there'll be 30 minutes of extra footage in this version. I like a good 'sad' movie.

Also tomorrow night is the concert for The Magnetic Fields... I don't think very many bloggers are familiar with their music, but most certainly - Eric does! "Hello Eric! How goes? I love 'Lebanon'!!!" Tho I really haven't heard most of Stephin's songs, the few that I've heard I really liked. All his broken love songs... wretched! Unbeknownst, melancholy can creep up on one, and sometimes I think that can be strangely romantic...

Life is bittersweet.

Floatation

First off, a couple of days ago I just noticed that 2 other bloggers added me to their list... THAT was a pleasant surprise. Thanks a ho bunch to Ryan and Daniel... What sweeties! I know that I have read their blogs before and went back many times... o and they're both oh-so adorable! Big hugz and mmm-mwah!

Anyway, not much to report. But this past weekend I had an excellent time in Vegas. Stayed at the Mandalay Bay Hotel and spent most of my time swimming in their 'wave' pool... mmm... and it was also my good friend Joey's birthday, and this weekend he was one happy boy!!!

So at the end, we all had a wonderful time. Got lotza sun, tanlines are clean, and Floatation was my first AOL screen name... and that was over a decade ago.

Tho maybe we have chatted before? Maybe?

Music: Cocteau Twins - Wolf In The Breast

The Bell Jarred / Wonder Woman

Gosh, not much news coming from me... Everything's been a bit quiet for the past week. Tho something exciting did happen [BTW, I think I'm gonna ween myself from typing out "egg-****", y'know, me spelling words like egg-citing, egg-cellent, yeah, egg-xactly! So I'm gonna stop doing that.. It was silly to begin with, but that's me]...

So anyway, it's been a week already... Last Friday I finally got to meet Dr.P. O what joy... She was one of the most fun and polite person I've met. A huge smile and a big heart of gold. I also met CLS as well, her beau! Awwwwh! A cute couple indeed... all the while when all of us were walking here and there, they were holding each other's hands... They always have something to talk about... Dr.P is a real charmer... Anyway, most of the night we just talked and walked around and getting to know one another... It was a real treat to have finally met them. I don't think I'm much of a tour guide, so if anyone's thinking of coming out to southern cal to meet up, better plan ahead and bring your own map, cuz I STILL get lost in my hometown. Oy!

All and all, we really didn't have much time to spend with their short stay... They had a really busy schedule, but for the most part and the little time that we had, it was very, very nice. Pleasant folks. Lovely folks.

Anyway, it's Friday and I'm off to Vegas with a few coworkers, Alec and I. It'll be fun. Hopefully I'll get a kick-ass tan. I know the sun is really harmful to one's skin, but once a year isn't all that bad, is it?

Wayne: As far as me mentioning Wonder Woman [O joy!], I just got her DVD set last week and am loving it! I remember watching that show back in the 70's... Damn, absolutely loved her costume!!!! ...and remembering trying to mimick WW, twirling 'round and 'round like a silly little girl and jumping out windows and... o wait, I never jumped out of any windows... that wouldn't be wise! O and I just thot Lyle Waggoner was waaaaaay hot!!! God I wanted him! Anyway, last night I wanted to post this song up, it's a remix of the Wonder Woman TV theme... woohooo!!! I can never get tired of the theme song! Great mix.. and if anyone wants another mix of it, lemme know... it's a killer French version, and they did a bitchin' job!

Ok ok, can I do the twirling bit now??

I Feel Strange

Things are not aligned. Everything is changing! Are we transparence? You turn around. You are my cold hands and I am ominous. You wanted the light you wanted everything inside. You are inside me.

My holy girl. You are my destination. Stay close to me and make me bleed... Are you my not my snake-charmer?

Take me away... I feel strange and we are - transcendent.

What's a day without a little love & chaos?

Music: Lush - Nothing Natural

Hong Kong, 1981

So no one knows what it says, heh... Well, egg-cept for Wayne boy, he's good with his Chinese. But the song was originally written and sung in Cantonese, so the Mandarin translation would be a bit different. Thanks to the amazing Yee Wun, she did an egg-xtrodinary job on Sam's unofficial website.

His songs and sweet music always make me cry. I've been familiar with his tunes since the mid 70's, and today, they're just as good, if not better, like the way I remember them.

This is one of my faves [up there with the Drifter's Song]. At one point, he talks about all the affairs in the world are sorta like a game of chess... He asks that we play a game some time sometimes, and maybe then, we can find out a little more on what this so-called life of ours is all about - from each other... And he talks about so much more...

Shall we play?

Drifter's Song

I was out doing some shopping this afternoon... for some Chinese music/movies... heh! Oldies but goodies. Anyway, when I got off the freeway [one way; 2nd lane from the left], I saw a homeless man standing by the exit on the left side next to the traffic light, with a styrofoam cup in one hand, staring at the ground... in a daze...

I looked away. I felt bad. The light was red. Then I reached into my wallet and took out some money, and then a car pulled up between us and the light finally turned green... I felt terrible for not reaching into my wallet any quicker. I drove around and around [downtown LA has many one-way streets] the adjacent blocks but later I found out, in order to get back on the same 'street', I'd need to get on onto the opposite side of the freeway and then get off and turn around and exit again... I gave up and then drove away.

It actually happened a couple times before... I ponder about it, and when I finally decided to give money, light turns green... I have quarters in my car at most times [for meters], but I don't like giving that out... can't buy anything with a few coins now a days anyway...

I put the money in my cupholder... and later on, I saw another homeless person, and I was then readily and gave him the money. He was really really happy, and it shows. At times I give, at times I don't, and today, it was just something to do.

A couple of days ago I commented on someone's blog [don't remember whose] saying something about one's misfortune can be another's happiness... This just got me thinking thinking...

The Sleepless Man

I wanted to put out a description last night, but didn't. Anyway... Yeah, I like the image of the face, and I like the word/text, so I just meshed 'em together. Nothing much, but I think I would like it if it's accompanied with some music...

Hey, what about Playgroup? Trevor Jackson came out with the Playgroup CD last year, was gonna get it then, but never did. A sorta re-release just came out this month, along with a limited edition CD of all the hits... It's looovely! The mix is egg-cellent! Mixes by Felix Da Housecat, Chicken Lips, Todd Terry, Fatboy Slim, Soulwax, etc... I'm not into chanting/music all the time! heh!

Weird to have the face of Buddha and talking about electro-funk music at the same time, kinda... but I'm sure he doesn't mind.

Music: Playgroup - Number One [Blackstrobe remix]

Two Observations

Questions are more important than answers when they make people think.

"Why do you like me?"*

Answers are more important than questions when such answers have no questions.

"I love you."*

~

If you wish to meet yourself, observe your thoughts and reactions under unusual circumstances.

Text: Idries Shah - Observations

--

Every day words, but when put together wisely, something beautiful and magical happens. As usual, simplicity is more complicated than it looks.

*Quotes provided by me. heh!

WaterSea

Wayne is sweet. Wayne is fun. We met last weekend, and if you've read his WaterSea's Ocean Bloggie recently, then you'd know what happened that night.

I don't really have much to add really. Our meeting was a good few hours. We had a lot to say, we talked, as if we were old friends. We chatted much on family and friends, music, hobbies, just about everything we can think of... oh yeah, we talked about bloggers, too... that's you, and you, and YOU... It was hella fun [as Wayne would put it!]! Tho we definitely have an age gap between us, he's in his mid 20's and I'll be 38 this year... I asked him if that bothered him at all, he said no... I didn't feel a least bit uncomfortable that night, and I hope he didn't as well... Hmm, maybe he was just being nice? heh! It did feel like an awe[3]some first date tho! :-)

All and all, it was such a delight to have finally met him. He was in southern Cal for just a few days, so prior to our rendezvous that night, him all running around the city taking care of errands and visiting friends... and by the time I dropped him off to his car around 10:30pm, he was egg-xhausted to no end. Poor guy! He actually cancelled on one of his friends that evening just to meet Alec and I, awh!!! Looking forward to September, buddy!

So, if anyone ever gets a chance to meet Meester WaterSea himself, don't pass up the chance. Wayne is a sweetheart.

...and NO spanking took place that evening, imagine that!

Music: To Live - Soundtrack

Jack-Rabbit

Semi-busy day at work... Talking to clients is never fun. I do it not too often thank goodness, but it helps to get the work done! heh! I'm taking a mini-vacation in July. Heading out to Las Vegas... Just made reservations at the Mandalay Bay, and I heard that the pool area is just simply amazing! It'll be the 5 of us and we'll have a smashing good time. Tho by July the temperature there will be hitting close to 110, hopefully I won't get too dark... Who wants skin cancer, right?

I received a renewal offer from Bally Total Fitness 3 weeks ago, and I've been debating whether or not I should renew my membership. $99 for the entire year, not bad at all... Hmm, why did I stop going??? Too many reasons! So I stopped by one tonight, 'round where I live. This guy Manuel gave me a quick tour, a bi-level building. I had my dressy shirt on from work and he walked me all around. Peeps were looking... :-P We also went into the shower room... ooh ahh! I saw this one naked guy walking towards me... Obviously he wasn't the least bit shy on parading his 'equipment' all over.... Anyway, it was like... like a 'car-wreak'... well, you know how that goes!

The tour was good, and I'm pretty convinced that I'll renew. I was there around 8.30pm and the damn place was friggin' packed!!!! Hate it! I'll prolly show up after 9.30pm, just to be safe. Y'know how I just loathe people! :-) O but before I went to check out Bally this evening, I stopped off at McD's for dinner. I can't help it... I just loooove their Filet-O-Fish when they're piping hot! mmm....

PS. This weekend I finally had the honor to meet one of the fellow bloggers, Wayne! He's adoooorable! I took some pictures with my film camera [that's sooo 90's!] and I'll have to get it developed this week! I'll write more about the meetin' tomorrow! To sum it all up: I can't wait to see him again this September! woohooo!

Music: Dave Clarke feat. Chicks On Speed - What Was Her Name

Magic

The relationship between 2 lovers is no magic, is it? That was what I was thinking this afternoon. Alec and I. We see each other only on weekends, and when we do, it's great. We act silly and make each other laugh. We hug a lot, and give each other small kisses whenever we feel like it... like when I go out and run errands, we kiss and say goodbye... when he goes and does his errands, we hug and, well, do the same thing...

Nothing is unusual really. Tho when we do have issues with one another, it's a weird feeling. It's like everything is off. We had a little episode this past weekend, but it was quickly resolved in like half an hour. But in that half hour, it felt strange... sorta like being stuck in an unfamiliar place. Guess we're just not used to it that's all. It happens. It's just another way of getting to know one another more 'intimately'. heh!

He does more creative things than I do. He surprises me with cute cards and text messages every now and then. I reciprocate of course, but only after he initiates. Seems like he always beats me to the punch. I'm a terrible romantic! Different personalities I s'poze! He sings and dances in front of me to make me laugh, I... well, I just sit and watch and laugh and giggle! haha! He's more atheletic and I'm more of a homebody. Different people, different kinks! So do opposites attract or do similars attract I ask myself? Not sure really, but I'd say - Whatever works!

Fun-knee thing is, like when our anniversary or Valentine's Day comes along, we wouldn't quite know what to do. Go out to eat? Okay, we got that covered. We don't buy flowers really [ugh, why start now right? heh!]. Should we give each other more hugs and kisses? Oy! Not sure. Yeah we buy gifts, I guess that's the least we can do for each other to make the occasions more special. Bottom line is, we do enjoy such special occasions, but trying to remember what we did last year is a ho other ballgame. Tho come to think of it, I definitely should try harder to make these events more memorable!

Anyway, what was my point? Hmm... Do relationships take a lot of work? I'm not sure, but I'm thinking that it really shouldn't. I think being low maintenance is good, but that's just one of my observations. Anyway, y'know often times I see people that are in their golden years, like for instance, I would see an old couple sitting in a restaurant or something, and that they never appeared to be interested in one another's business, with no interaction whatsoever... Maybe the magic is gone, maybe not. But is there such a thing as 'real' magic to begin with? I guess what I'm trying to say is that, at times, even though you see something that appears to be in a sense of the ordinary, it doesn't mean that there isn't anything special underlying...

Music: Lush - All This Useless Beauty

Little Things

My family went through a bit of a 'storm' last weekend, but things are getting a bit better now. So that was what happened. Thanks for everyone's concern.

Tomorrow I'll be heading down to the Ebell Theartre box office to get tickets to see The Magnetic Fields, playing July 17, I'm egg-cited about that! Bitter hearts... it will be a beautiful show!

This week I worked on my list thingy, for a couple of hours... I dislike making lists... I'm just calling it Little Things... And now Alec and I are off to Coco's for din din! Have a wonderful long weekend everyone. Play safe and have fuuun!

June Gloom

The sun only came out briefly today. Overcast mostly and at one point while driving, it sprinkled. Gloomy Sunday.

It wasn't an usual day. Something happened. Anyway, personally, I don't see the matter as a bad thing; only a lesson, out of many, to be learnt by all. I said that it may actually be a blessing, but only time will tell. People say they want world peace, but at times, I see peace between 2 people are enough of a struggle... Time can be a good friend, but it can also be a daunting enemy.

Time will tell all... if you want it.

The Best Things In Life

Couldn't sleep. Was on the phone with my brother for over 2 and a half hours earlier tonight, he called and just wanted to vent and have someone to talk to. Out of the 4 kids, I think I get along with him the best. My family is quite complex so I won't go into details. We had a great time talking about whatever that came to mind, we also reminisced the old times like when we were kids... When he was young, I remembered his asthma was really bad at one time, he would be in and out of the hospital like for 6 months out of the entire year. He told me he fell behind a year in school because of that... Childhood was rough back then, but tonight we just laughed about it. My brother is a great guy, yet a lot of times, he just gets misunderstood. Some of the stories that he was telling me tonight almost brought me to tears...

On another incident, today I found out a friend of a friend just did a home pregnancy test this morning, and it was positive. She's been trying to get pregnant for quite some time now, and of course, she was very egg-cited. After she did the test she also went to see her doctor to have her blood drawn just to make sure. But oddly, the doctor told her that somehow he could not detect the heartbeat of the fetus, and she was also informed that for the next several days, it's the most critical time for whether the fetus is going to live, or die. She's going to find out in 3 days. All the while I was hearing this from my friend, all I thought about was the little heart... The tiniest thing, not yet pumping blood or whatsoever, and in certain hour, it might give life on its very own... The first beat... I was dumbstruck. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

There might not be a clear correlation between the 2 stories, but I know it's there. The best things in life aren't things. Take hold!

Beetles & Eggs

I made the shirt finally... Damn, and I was thinking of wearing the above new shirt on this year's Earth Day!!! heh! But I don't like large crowds really, well, if more than a group of 5 [including myself], that's pushin' it! I don't like phone calls much, and I'm a hermit. One might say I live in a large bubble. That's okay.

But I do love people. More than you know.

Music: Cocteau Twins - A Kissed Out Red Floatboat

Spring Cleaning

Now I looove spring cleaning... twice a month! I've been wanting to hire a maid to clean up my mess, I mean to tidy up for the past couple of months, and today was her first day. She was a referral from a friend of a friend of my coworker [complicated eh?]. When my coworker had her place cleaned about a month ago [from another maid], after she got home, she told me that she was almost in tears when she walked in the door. Everything was spotless. Every tile and grout and crack [not hers of course!] was cleansed. I was like: Wait, what's the big deal! Your place is already cleaned, unlike my filthy pad!

So after I got home today, I almost fell to the floor. I couldn't open my closet doors before, now I could. She'd tidied up almost every corner of the place. She even laid out the comforter [originally it was half folded in the closet] on the bed with Alec's stuffed Scooby Doo on top of it! awh! She emptied the trash, took out the plastic bottles, wiped all the vertical blinds, even dusted and placed all the framed pictures strategically. The top of my fridge was so caked with dust/dirt. Now? I can eat off it, but I won't. The coffee grinds that Alec spilt in the kitchen utencil drawer? Grindless [that sounded sad dunnit? heh!]!! So she'll be back in 2 weeks, now I wonder how much mess I can make before she returns. But I won't, least I'll try not to!

I swear the first thing that came to mind when I walked in the door was: "WOW!!!" And my second thought: "Oh poor thing, worked so hard!" Well, she got paid and I got my place cleaned, and the next time when she's here, she'll get the same pay but it'll be a whole easier for her... I'm glad. Thanks Veronica.

So today I found Princess... She's so cute. The animation sorta reminds of the good ol' Saturday morning cartoons like 'em Care Bears, but not really... What do you think?

PS. NSFW. Need you ask? heh!

It's Only Time

Text: Stephin Merritt

From their new release i, a splendid track from the prodigy behind The Magnetic Fields. Transcendent! mp3 [5.3MB]

A Lighter Note

Sometimes I'm just too... hmm, or shall I say, not too happy! How my weblog appears to be anyway. Today an acquaintance told me [via email] that my entries are kinda depressing [if you're reading this, yeah, that's you! haha!]... I guess I do appear to come off that a bit, but in person, I'm really a happy boy. I make enough fun-knee remarks to be somewhat witty, I think I have good listening skills even though I have short term memory due to old age [and too much acid prolly!]! I don't hate people THAT much... And I think I'm a great guy to hang out with especially when you're drunk... heh... heh...

After my dinner with my friend Gina tonight, I stopped off at Amoeba Music and got a few CDs. I wanted to get the new Pixies DVD but they were all sold out! Fuckturd! So anyway, back to the lighter side of things, here are some fun-knee links. hehe! Check out Bush, the nerves!!! A short QT video named The Cat with Hands... Surreal and shit yet creepy and good! If you're familiar with the Brothers Quay, this is pretty similar! Remember BadgerBadgerBadger and Kenya? Well, this is Banana Phone! Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding....

What else did I find... Y'all remember the Exorcist in 30 Seconds [Re-enacted by Bunnies]? Here's The Shining in 30 Seconds! And lastly, another banana link and my personal favourite, it's a gadget which keeps your big banana fresh - all day! Great as stocking stuffers for the holidays! Or as a 'stuffer' for whatever reasons! Ho Ho Ho!

PS. Oh and my long-awaited DVD came in the mail today, tho I already have it on VHS! woohoo!

Music: Cocteau Twins - Cherry-Coloured Funk

Perfection

This particular song used to make me cry [yeup, call me a cry-baby, I don't care!], yet it also made me feel warm and fuzzy inside... The world isn't 'perfect'... war, famine, poverty, death of a loved one, or even the unimaginable... but yet I think to myself, when we do finally put every little thing together in this vast universe, it IS perfect... it is as perfect as perfect can be.

Maybe this is some sort of a grand delusion that I've made up for myself, a 'safety net'... maybe not. Or like my idea of when a person dies - whether one was 'good' or 'evil' - there's no heaven or hell, but to go to a 'good' place so the spirits can move on... and I've been told that I'm being totally 'selfish' to have such a thot!

One's good life can turn awry in a heartbeat. Take the good and the bad, whatever it is. The world can be topsy turvy, and even with all the mess and chaos, I'd still like to think that there is something genuinely good out there for each and every one of us... Believe and you shall receive. Truly.

--

LIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE*
When I come to the dock and sit very still,
I wonder why on earth we fight and kill.
I see a light on the other side flickering to me,
As if to say, you’re alright, you’ll find your way.

The world is so beautiful when I’m out here,
Why can’t it be the same when we’re back there?

Above my head, straight ahead,
I see a bird gliding
As if to say, I’m alright, I’ll find my way.

Windows are shattered,
Streets are battered,
Kids are frightened,
Men are still at war.

Moms are feeling sad,
Dads are feeling bad.
I wanna know, I wanna know
If the world’s gone mad.

Above my head, straight ahead,
I see a bird gliding
As if to say, I’m alright, I’ll find my way.

Text: Yoko Ono

*I dedicate this song to Sushil. Hope you like it. mp3 [1.9MB]

A Very Special Day

...yet a boring post! A hot day indeed, in the 90's... I didn't go to work today due to some seriously bad traffic... A 'jumper' on the freeway!?! So if I were to leave on time, getting there would prolly take me about a good 3-hour duration! No thanks! I called my boss [he was half way there!] and he decided to turn around and head back to his place... We met up for a good lunch at Wendy's! [OMG, I had a salad!]

Not a very productive day at all. Did some grocery shopping after lunch. Headed home and noticed that I missed an UPS delivery. Damnit! Called them up and arranged for a same day pickup instead, between 7-9pm tonight. Got on the computer, did some work and read some blogs. Then threw my ass on the couch [literally] and started watching Married With Children around 5:30pm. Dozing off... then decided to head to bed and take a nap rather. Did I mention it was a hot day? Slept for about an hour and a half. While still in bed, I called back UPS thinking to have them re-deliver my package instead, but to no avail. They can do that on the following day [Wednesday] the earliest.

Around 7:45pm, I dragged my ass [sheesh! I loove that word!] up and got ready. A good 10-mile drive each way. Coming back stopping off at McD's for dinner. Eating my fries while driving home, I was thinking:

"I'm so lucky... I can practically do anything I please... I have a great job, I have someone who loves me, I can buy pretty much whatever I want [within reasonable limits, of course!], I have a few great friends and my family is healthy... So what more do I need? Nothing I can think of!"

More porn maybe? Just kidding!!!! Anyway, thinking it could be from all the salt in the fries that triggered all that!?! I dunno...

Came home and then got on the computer again. Pretty unproductive evening. Today was quite uneventful and so why a special day? Cuz it's Alec's birthday today, and I miss him so. I guess I'm feeling a bit melancholy because I'm not spending his birthday with him, but inside, I'm still very egg-cited about this day. He's having a great time and that's what matters, right? Happy Birthday HB! A boring post - see, I told you!

Bah-da-bah, bah-da-baah...

This weekend is the Coachella Festival... While doing laundry this afternoon and walking back to my unit, my upstairs neighbor - a cute early 30 something guy named Mark, was walking downstairs... "Nice wings... why aren't you at Coachella? The Pixies is playing!"

I didn't even know it was this weekend. "Yeah, Air, Stereolab and Radiohead as well... Nah, it's friggin' hot today... Maybe I would consider it if I were 20 years younger!" ...and that's a BIG ASS maybe! blahblahblah...

Who wants to stand under the scorching heat to an all day event like this, and the drive is close to 2 hours... ugh... I would've had a ho lot more fun seeing Matt's Dildos in the Desert [Thanks Homer!], or just Matt! heehee! Good grief, it's May already! Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

PS. Alec's on a cruise for the entire week, what's a boy to do???

Bah-da-bah, bah-da-baah... mp3 [3.4MB]

Music: Stereolab - Margerine Rock

Project Kuanyin

Shit, it's almost 11pm, and by the time I'm off to bed, it'll be way past midnight... Least it'll be cooler... The temperature went up to triple-digits today, oy... My landlord still hasn't fixed the air cond... He's a cheap bastard according to the live-in manager here... My landlord is a very sweet elderly guy, but still a cheap bastard... Maybe I'll go freeballin' into work tomorrow... woohoo!!

Made a good few more shirts the other night... This one's navy blue, but who can tell, right? Maybe I should get a manniquin to pose for me next time... I'll fetch a dummy from somewhere, o wait, that would be me! It's the image of Kuanyin... She's been called the Goddess of Mercy, sorta mystical like... like... Pegasus, but not really [k, now big Buddha's gonna smash me with his big belly! hee!]... I'm still an agnostic, or did I say I'm an atheist before? I don't remember. I like my thoughts to be freeform. Anyway, I've always liked the lady called Kuanyin... all her images and statues that I've seen of hers since I was young were ever so graceful...

I guess before my class ends in 3 weeks, I'll be making my final 2 designs... One that reads: DESTROY ALL MANKIND. What do you think? Been wanted to do this one for a longwhile... The phrase... seems so... final!! How else would one describe it? It's a joke [really!] and when people see it, they'll prolly hate me AND maybe, just maybe, it'll strike a spark in them, realizing for a moment on how vulnerable we truly are... K, maybe not... but y'know, I'm just doing it for myself anyway! heh heh! So does anyone know of a good sans-serif, semi-bold, end-of-the-world kinda font?

And my final project will be a Mrhappysad shirt... "Why be happy? Why be sad?"

Music: Buddhist chant -

Common DeNOMInator

Woohooo! This guy name's Jay and he's a superdude [that sounded so high-school!]... I found his weblog via Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven page. [Todd knows all the kool peeps! Why? cuz he's Todd, that's why! heh!]

Anyway, been browsing thru Jay's site and I find that we have a good few things in common! Like music, video gaming, 2D/3D/Flash... o and Klaus Nomi... no one would give me the time of day if I mentioned Nomi's name! poo!

So that's pretty egg-citing considering my day started out pretty slow and drab. He's amazing at what he does and what he knows... Anyway, that's just my observation, tho I'm sure it's true! Now egg-xcuse me while I try out this ascii thingy... Hey, maybe later on we can swap .fla files?!? haha!

The Man Who Is Awake

One of my favourite images from Vivienne Tam's book, China Chic... I never knew the story of Buddha... Never was familiar cuz I was never informed. I was a reeeeallly quiet kid. My family never told me and I never asked... Just one of those things! When I was young, I was educated in a Catholic school yet brought up in Buddhism at home, kinda fun-knee yet I'm glad it happened that way. Why? Cuz that's what it makes - me.

On My Way

I have a good 45-minute drive to work on the freeway. My class is tonight, so I didn't carpool today. Driving this morning, listening to the music of the Buddhist monks, thinking alone...

Have been listening to the chanting/music a lot lately. Dunno why... it's just soothing... Alec and I had talked about visiting China this summer, Beijing to be more specific. To see the Tian'anmen Square, Fobidden City, and of course, to take a long walk, on the Great Wall. For me, to see any of this is more than overwhelming... I wasn't born in China, but a lot of times I feel like that's where I truly belong. I've always, always wanted to see the majestic Wall... I remember once I had this postcard, it's an image of the Great Wall, on a somewhat foggy day... In the foreground there was this senior couple, sidewalk vendors I believe... A woman and a man, sitting by themselves, and having something to eat, without looking at the camera, just sitting there - thinking... Resting on a remote section of the Great Wall, and behind them, you'd see miles and miles of the wall outstretched. I've always loved that image.

Remembering the first time I went to China. I flew over with my mom and dad, but I spent most of my time with my mother alone cuz my dad had to go away to other cities to do business. My mother and I spent most of the time in the rural area of China. It was fantastic. Most parts you see cows and pigs and chickens running around, houses were merely lit by dusty old lightbulbs... People were poor peasants/villagers, but happy nonetheless. Remembering... A sense of place. I do feel a certain connection with China, I dunno why... I found myself crying in the car, thinking about a lot of things...

Everyone needs guidance from one another. As far as religion goes, I think I take in a little of this, and a little of that. But a lot of times, doesn't it seem like the bad always outweighs the good things in life? And the good stuff in life always seems so... fleeting... does it not? Almost everywhere you look, there happens to be pain and suffering all around... War, famine, poverty... a child being bullied in school, a teenager who has a drug problem, a homeless person, or a loved one suffering from a terminal illness... Life at times seems so discouraging...

But it just seems that way... Have to remember the goodness in people, and in life itself. I believe the genuinely good always shines... that warm sunshinny feeling always stays with you, whenever you think about all the good stuff, whether it may be a good deed that was done to you, or you to others... Think about yesterday and today, yet focus on what you can do today... It's not the beginning or the end that matters, it's everything in between, that's what counts. World turns for reasons...

Everything is dependent on the will of the self. With the sufferings of this life, one must strive to better his own conditions.

Round n' Round

It's been a quiet weekend/week so far... great!! Though I did go apartment hunting for a friend with a few co-workers of mine this weekend, but we also shopped for a few hours, that's always a good thing. The next few weekends will be hectic... Shopping at the Cabazon Outlets, going to a Chinese opera named Peach Blossom Fan at the REDCAT, dinner at the Magic Castle, and also dinner and a night out with Alec's parents. O and did I mention that Alec just flew back home to tell his folks about him and ME! Oy... it's a good thing though.... Nice folks indeed, but still... I'm a nervous wreck!

Anyway. today at work I was just thinking... In life, if you're lucky, after spending years and years and years on this plane, where does it really get you? I think somewhere close to where we first started, here! [What/wherever 'here' is!] It's like you're born, you live out your whole entire life doing whatever, and then you die. 'Here' is just like a pit-stop. I just know it... and hopefully I'm going to make the best of it while I'm here! So that was what I was day-dreaming, I mean thinking about. Very very unproductive, in my head.

Last night after my class, I got home and started watching John Waters' Pink Flamingos and Female Trouble back to back... Have seen them before, so sinfully perverted, outrageously gross and... love it! Before I go, I found this [4.6MB, .mov] somewhere. Kinda silly, but hit very close to heart! [heehee!] O and a coworker today sent me this [1MB, .mpeg], I'm a cat-lover myself, and this is EVIL. And this, great for lighting your pilot light... hehe! And lastly, most of you have prolly seen this already... this is to make up for the last 2 links. Cuuuute!

Spider and I

Well, might as well put my spidey on the net, too... along with its other dead friends. Its fangs are pretty big, but I'm sure not many people are interested in seeing. Couldn't resist purchasing this poor lil' chap when I saw it being displayed on the wall. "Look at me look at me... please please take me home and I'll be your best friend forever!!!"

"Mmm... Okay!"

On another note, I've been feeling tired lately, I think it's anemia... I'm sure I know why but for reasons I can't really say. I dislike taking my iron pills... Last week I took 2 the same time and it made me all nauseous. I don't take my health too seriously... a bad thing. I should take better care of myself...

Anyway, better go to sleep...

PS. Remember that really disturbing 'Inverse Birth' movie clip that I was talking about the other night? It's back!!! Please view it at your own risk! Totally not safe for work [nor anywhere else really!] and don't say that I didn't warn you peeps! AAAHHHH!!!

For Homer

Thanks Homer, for the thought! I took this picture just for you. It's one of my bug collection. I especially adore the 2 butterflies with the 'transparent' wings, it's lovely and amazing. O heck, I like 'em all! You oughtta see my tarantula, with 'em legs all spread out, it's the size of my friggin' hand with finger